Present: Glen Taylor, Kevin McHale, Fred Hoiberg, Jim Stack, Rob Babcock, Jim Petersen, various members of the Timberwolves ownership groupGlen Taylor: Elders, before we start...the secret handshake...
(silence, the flutter of robes)
Glen Taylor: Gentlemen, we are gathered here in this emergency session to determine the future of our brother, Randy Wittman...
Kevin McHale: I don't want to coach!
Glen Taylor: Kevin, you'll have your turn soon enough. Now, as I was saying, our team once again is under performing. Fans are staying away in droves, resentment is in the air, and it seems we are prematurely forced to take action. The obvious move here would be a coaching change, but I need your wisdom and sage advice in this dire hour.
Ownership group: Ask for a bailout!!!
(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)
Glen Taylor: That comes later, gentlemen. We have to assure the fans that we can make the necessary changes in order for the team to be successful, or I'm afraid all is lost.
Kevin McHale: Look guys, I'm feeling a bit like KG back in the day here; not only do I have to assemble the best young talent in the NBA and manage the cap, but now I have to coach again too? Veteran mercenaries I can coach, but young players, before the holidays? Can't we get Stack or Sichting to close out the season, then decide?
Jim Petersen: I could coach, I'm a Lynx assistant now...
Glen Taylor: Jim, this isn't a time to joke around. We're in trouble here. Look Kevin, my balance sheet is looking pretty poor. If we fire Randy now, I'm on the hook for his salary, and I just got rid of Dwayne's. If you haven't noticed, our team--like the economy--is in recession. You told me we had up and comers. You told me we'd be 20 games better than last year, and it seems you had a reason for saying that, so being that no one else here seems to get the blueprint you're creating, it's up to you to fix this. Gentlemen, do you agree?
(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)
Fred Hoiberg: Sir, if I might...
Glen Taylor: Of course Fred, you have the floor.
Fred Hoiberg: Kevin's a Hall of Famer to be sure, but if we take one more step back, I think there's a pattern developing here. When we traded Cassell and acquired Marko, Kevin told the media via Sid that we had the talent to make the playoffs. When we made the first Boston trade, he said that Marcus Banks was the key to the deal...
Jim Petersen: Mark Blount was the second best center in the Western Conference!
Fred Hoiberg: Yeah, right Jim. Then he trades a Hall of Famer and acquires talent that never won anything or even progressed in a second Boston trade, but yet Kevin is telling everyone how good they're going to be. Now, last off-season, he says we should be better by 20 more games. I think the evidence is getting clear...
Glen Taylor: That we should keep our mouths shut when we make deals?
Fred Hoiberg: No, no, that maybe Kevin isn't up to the job of VP.
Kevin McHale: You traitor...I knew I couldn't trust anyone outside of Stadium Village!
Fred Hoiberg: Look Kevin, you were a great player, and an awesome announcer. But I have to say, your track record is not getting any better here, and we're all being dragged down...
Rob Babcock: I'd love the VP job...I could hire Sam Mitchell all over again.
Fred Hoiberg: Whatever...Glen, all I'm saying is that firing Randy is one thing. Some of our fans will take that as a good sign. But maybe Randy isn't the entire problem, just like Dwyane wasn't the entire problem, or Flip for that matter, maybe it's Kevin...or maybe even us.
Ownership Group: Aye!!! Down with Wittman, up with McHale!!!
Glen Taylor: Kevin, there's the deal. What say you?
Glen Taylor: Of course Fred, you have the floor.
Fred Hoiberg: Kevin's a Hall of Famer to be sure, but if we take one more step back, I think there's a pattern developing here. When we traded Cassell and acquired Marko, Kevin told the media via Sid that we had the talent to make the playoffs. When we made the first Boston trade, he said that Marcus Banks was the key to the deal...
Jim Petersen: Mark Blount was the second best center in the Western Conference!
Fred Hoiberg: Yeah, right Jim. Then he trades a Hall of Famer and acquires talent that never won anything or even progressed in a second Boston trade, but yet Kevin is telling everyone how good they're going to be. Now, last off-season, he says we should be better by 20 more games. I think the evidence is getting clear...
Glen Taylor: That we should keep our mouths shut when we make deals?
Fred Hoiberg: No, no, that maybe Kevin isn't up to the job of VP.
Kevin McHale: You traitor...I knew I couldn't trust anyone outside of Stadium Village!
Fred Hoiberg: Look Kevin, you were a great player, and an awesome announcer. But I have to say, your track record is not getting any better here, and we're all being dragged down...
Rob Babcock: I'd love the VP job...I could hire Sam Mitchell all over again.
Fred Hoiberg: Whatever...Glen, all I'm saying is that firing Randy is one thing. Some of our fans will take that as a good sign. But maybe Randy isn't the entire problem, just like Dwyane wasn't the entire problem, or Flip for that matter, maybe it's Kevin...or maybe even us.
(the elders gasp)
Glen Taylor: Ah Fred, you're displaying your corporate naivete...rule one, always have a fall guy. I'm very comfortable with a simple coaching change right now, as long as Kevin's willing to show us the path back to respectability here, and because I love Kevin like a son. (leans over and kisses McHale on the cheek) Otherwise, we could kick this fall guy thing up another notch. Gentlemen, what say you?Ownership Group: Aye!!! Down with Wittman, up with McHale!!!
Glen Taylor: Kevin, there's the deal. What say you?
(the plot thickens...)
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3 comments:
I eagerly await the next edition.
this is great! love the post. can't wait for the next edition !
why is rashad mcants still in a timberwolves uniform, all he does is stand out on the floor and wait for the ball to shoot and usually misses anyway. is he afraid to set a pick or try to get a rebound.put carney or anybody in for him. he seems to have a chip on his shoulder, someone take a shot at it
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