Day 3: Still Missing

(December 5, 2008, Meadowlands, NJ - Useless Press Incorporated)

With no leads and little information coming in, authorities have been increasingly frustrated by the lack of progress in finding the real Minnesota Timberwolves players, as the franchise again prepares their replacements for a game against the New Jersey Nets.

"To put it bluntly, we're stumped", admitted James McGruder, FBI, Minneapolis regional agent-in-charge. "They fell off the face of the earth, and it seems like absolutely no one cares."

A glimmer of hope surfaced Thursday when a hand crafted note made of newspaper advertisements was sent to the Minneapolis FBI, the note saying "Fire coach, or else". Both the newspaper ads and the note itself were traced back to a Mankato location, where it was discovered that it was simply a prank by a disgruntled former employee of Taylor Corp, who's owner--Glen Taylor--also owns the Timberwolves franchise.

"We half expected that", said McGruder, "we actually expected many more fakes, but the apathy about this case is nothing short of remarkable."

Meanwhile, the Timberwolves front office and coaching staff continues to prepare the existing team like nothing has happened. "Honestly, given the start of the season, there's not much difference between the team we lost and the one we have now", explained Kevin McHale, vice president of operations for the Timberwolves. "Of course, we hope to find the lads, but until then, we've got to fight through this with the players we've been given."

The game is 6:30 pm tonight, Central Daylight Time, at the IZOD Center in New Jersey.