Timberwolves Lost - Day 5: Possible Defections?

(Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images)

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 7th, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

The mystery of the missing Timberwolves roster continues, as their replacements/imposters lost Saturday night to the lowly Los Angeles Clippers 107-84. With this loss coming after a lopsided beating in New Jersey, players, coaches and front office all expressed frustration at the situation.

"It's pretty bad when even the replacements don't want to play hard", seethed Head Coach Randy Wittman. "I watched my son's team [Cornell] get waxed in the second half against the Gophers this afternoon, but they played hard, despite the odds. I thought I had my team ready, and since these were the Clippers dammit, this was a game we could have had, even with this roster."

The fake Al Jefferson, who led the team with 28 points and 8 rebounds for the evening, was sympathetic, but disagreed with his new coach. "I understand coach has his shorts in a bundle right now, but I think if anything we need to play together more on defense, and hit our open shots. If I get a little more help from my teammates and stay together, we'll be fine."

One Timberwolves staff member was still optimistic, even after such a devastating loss. "I simply don't get the gloom and doom around here", commented television broadcaster Jim Petersen. "I see signs that Kevin McHale has done a great job managing the situation, and in selecting these replacement players to fill in for the missing roster. Every time I see the new Love kid touch the ball, I'm amazed. He's a little undersized--just like the real Love--and he doesn't finish real well around the basket, given all the rebounds he gets, and his small area quickness hasn't helped him much on the defensive end, but his instincts for the game are awesome. I'm sure Kevin McHale--after this episode is all done--will be vindicated and revered for the superior basketball mind that he is."

Meanwhile, the search continues for the real Timberwolves roster, lost on December 2nd in Orlando during a light practice session in preparation for a contest with the Magic. FBI regional agent-in-charge James McGruder, attending the Wolves/Clippers game with his family, offered an informal update to reporters. "First of all, a big thank you to the Wolves organization for the Full Meal Deal tickets here in the upper level", said McGruder. "Since most of the fans who actually showed up are sitting in the lower section, it's like we have this section all to ourselves. The investigation is continuing, we are tracking leads both in Boston and over in Europe as to where the players might have gone and who might have them. In some aspects this incident is similar to reports about soccer teams playing for totalitarian governments who as an entire team defected from their country. Being this is a NBA franchise and not a government does make it different, but the "team was here, now they're gone" aspect does offer a framework theory from which we can operate. I can't be any more specific than that at this time, plus my son needs a hot dog."

The defection angle does have benefits for the Timberwolves franchise, according to legal experts. The "Athletes In Absentia Act", which encouraged Western sports franchises to welcome defecting athletes to join their teams by offering substantial financial support, is being sought by the Timberwolves to assist them at this time, according to an unnamed source. "It's not a bailout", commented the source, who requested to remain anonymous, "but we are looking into whether or not the rules of the act fit this situation. Obviously, we are suffering significant attenance losses as a result of this action, whether it be kidnapping, defection or resignation. These are perilous times for everyone, not just Wall Street bankers, mortgage owners, state governments, hedge fund managers, small business owners, the auto industry, school districts, universities and colleges, as well as everyday citizens. We're hemorrhaging money, and we can't just can't go out and buy a Costco or Wal-mart to help our cash flow."

The Timberwolves continue playing through this situation on Tuesday, December 9th, against the Utah Jazz at Target Center.