Pleas for Progress, Patience and Prayers

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(Useless Press Incorporated, December 9, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor and newly installed Head Coach Kevin McHale made an impassioned plea to the world community as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves team. "Look, I know Randy yelled a lot, but at the time we told him our young players needed tough love. He was the bad cop, now Kevin will be the good cop", Taylor said at a press conference announcing the firing of Randy Wittman, and the new coaching assignment for McHale. "No matter the circumstances, we're praying for the roster's safe return."

McHale looking ashen and forlorn, basically agreed with Taylor's sentiments. "Look, I love basketball, so even with replacements, if it gives me an excuse not to travel to the in-laws during holiday season, I'm there. The fact is though, I want to be successful with our real team, the kids and players I brought here. I want to show every last one of you [the press] just how good I am as personnel evaluator and a coach. So, I say to any of my guys out there, for whatever reason you've left...please, come home."

Taylor, when asked if he really wanted the team back, given the potential of a government subsidy via the Athletes in Absentia act if the real players remain missing, scoffed at the suggestion. "That's ridiculous, we have no guarantee that we qualify for such funding anyway", reasoned Taylor. "Our fans deserve the very best, that's why we want our players back, and that's why I decided to make a change at this point to make Kevin our head coach. I'm not driving people away to sell the team, or any absurd notion like that."

Fake Al Jefferson, attending the meeting, said no matter the circumstances, he'll play hard for the new coach. "It's too bad we couldn't save Randy, and it's terrible the team has gone through the wringer the last week, but we'll play for the new dude, no doubt", said the faux Jefferson. "Playing the NBA has been a dream of mine, so maybe if the players one day do come back, maybe I'll still have a job."

Timberwolves televison commentator--and Lynx assistant coach--Jim Petersen fought back tears when he said the franchise was at a crossroads. "This situation has been so difficult, I'm proud of what Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale have done today. How many people could both address the short term and the long term issues this team has with one front office shift and press conference? These guys are so amazing, I'm proud to be working with them in any capacity. I only hope that if I ever get the opportunity to head coach or run a team, I can do it with the class of either of these two individuals."

Updates were scarce regarding the disapperance case itself, according to James McGruder, regional FBI agent-in-charge. "We continue to work all the leads, the cooperation we're getting from the Timberwolves franchise has been nothing short of fantastic. This is my first sports related press conference...I could get use to this", McGruder commented.

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves roster can still call the established 800 number: 1-800-Who-Left.