Stockholm to Minnesota?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 12, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

A University of Minnesota professor has announced his findings regarding why Minnesota Timberwolves basketball fans are not more incensed over the retention of Kevin McHale anywhere in the NBA organization.

Dr. Irving Nevrgotany, a renowned sociologist, had been conducting a five year long study on sporting fans relationship to their teams. He said it's pretty clear why a core group of fans, bloggers and press are willing to give McHale another break.

"It's a variation of the classic Stockholm Syndrome, where people held hostage start to become loyal to their captors", explained Dr. Nevrgotany. "This situation is different of course, being there's no real abduction, but the mere fact that [Owner] Glen Taylor refused for years to make the core changes to the Timberwolves necessary to relieve the fans' frustration, in effect he was holding these fans hostage. They are beaten down, psychologically exhausted from the negativity surrounding the franchise. When the change to McHale came, even though in the end it might prove to be one more useless move, it was enough for many fans, bloggers and press to rally around the franchise. They can't withstand any more negativity, especially during these bad economic times, and of course, the holiday season."

This variation of Stockholm Syndrome is so distinct, says Nevrgotany, that he has given it another name. "I'm calling this Mankato Madness", proclamined Nevrgotany, "after Glen Taylor's home base of operations. In this case, the name seems very appropriate."

The Wolves play San Antonio tonight, 7 pm, at Target Center.

Who's the Clown?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 11, 2008, Denver, CO)

Newly installed Timberwolves head coach Kevin McHale announced after Wednesday's loss to Denver (116-105) that "Rimshot" Davis, a local Minnesota stand-up comedian and comedy writer, will be joining the team as Comedy Coordinator. "I think everyone can see after two games, that I'm not much of an X's and O's type of guy", commented McHale, when asked about the hiring. "I mean, not having a decent out of bounds play at the end of the Utah game, and last night when Carmelo [Anthony] went off for 33 against us, geez, I went into a zone to make Anthony shoot over the stop instead of a double team to try and get the ball out of his hands and make someone else beat us. In baseball terms, that would be a swing and a miss on my part. Realistically, even though I still have the highest winning percentage in Timberwolves history, I have only coached 33 games, so there's a lot to learn here. My humor and letting the guys have fun are the primary tools I have to help the replacements here, and maybe, just maybe if the real roster is watching, we get them back home. Rimshot's a funny guy, he also went to the U [University of Minnesota] back in the day, so I think I'll be able to trust him."

Davis, when reached by phone, said while this is the most unique situation he's been in, the money's good, and he has a plan. "Comedy is hard work and timing, much like basketball", he said. "It's knowing the particular audience you're trying to affect, and then when to say something. Using a line on an older referee, or Violet Palmer (the only female referee in the NBA), will be much different than saying something to a bunch of young players. We'll bring in content from the last 40 or so years, index it, do a little pre-game prep--call it a "laugh-a-round"--and then rely on Kevin's sense of delivery and timing to make it work. He's a true natural at this."

Glen Taylor, owner of the Timberwolves franchise, remains skeptical, but is willing to go along with the experiment for now. "As a rule, Republicans aren't very funny", said Taylor. "I mean, there was Bob Hope, and now Drew Carey, Dennis Miller, and maybe even Pat Sajak who's had some success, but on the whole, people laugh at us than with us, if you know what I mean. Where we generally get the last laugh is when we own the companies the real comedians work for. That always sobers them up. However, Rimshot's done a lot of private holiday parties for my other businesses, and he assures me that he can give Kevin all the material he needs to keep everyone loose. I hope the fans will recognize that we're pulling out all the stops to make our brand of basketball fun again. And, we want our real team to come home."

Davis will begin work immediately, in preparation for Friday's game with the San Antonio Spurs at Target Center, 7 pm.

Pleas for Progress, Patience and Prayers

NBAE/Getty Images

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 9, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor and newly installed Head Coach Kevin McHale made an impassioned plea to the world community as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves team. "Look, I know Randy yelled a lot, but at the time we told him our young players needed tough love. He was the bad cop, now Kevin will be the good cop", Taylor said at a press conference announcing the firing of Randy Wittman, and the new coaching assignment for McHale. "No matter the circumstances, we're praying for the roster's safe return."

McHale looking ashen and forlorn, basically agreed with Taylor's sentiments. "Look, I love basketball, so even with replacements, if it gives me an excuse not to travel to the in-laws during holiday season, I'm there. The fact is though, I want to be successful with our real team, the kids and players I brought here. I want to show every last one of you [the press] just how good I am as personnel evaluator and a coach. So, I say to any of my guys out there, for whatever reason you've left...please, come home."

Taylor, when asked if he really wanted the team back, given the potential of a government subsidy via the Athletes in Absentia act if the real players remain missing, scoffed at the suggestion. "That's ridiculous, we have no guarantee that we qualify for such funding anyway", reasoned Taylor. "Our fans deserve the very best, that's why we want our players back, and that's why I decided to make a change at this point to make Kevin our head coach. I'm not driving people away to sell the team, or any absurd notion like that."

Fake Al Jefferson, attending the meeting, said no matter the circumstances, he'll play hard for the new coach. "It's too bad we couldn't save Randy, and it's terrible the team has gone through the wringer the last week, but we'll play for the new dude, no doubt", said the faux Jefferson. "Playing the NBA has been a dream of mine, so maybe if the players one day do come back, maybe I'll still have a job."

Timberwolves televison commentator--and Lynx assistant coach--Jim Petersen fought back tears when he said the franchise was at a crossroads. "This situation has been so difficult, I'm proud of what Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale have done today. How many people could both address the short term and the long term issues this team has with one front office shift and press conference? These guys are so amazing, I'm proud to be working with them in any capacity. I only hope that if I ever get the opportunity to head coach or run a team, I can do it with the class of either of these two individuals."

Updates were scarce regarding the disapperance case itself, according to James McGruder, regional FBI agent-in-charge. "We continue to work all the leads, the cooperation we're getting from the Timberwolves franchise has been nothing short of fantastic. This is my first sports related press conference...I could get use to this", McGruder commented.

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves roster can still call the established 800 number: 1-800-Who-Left.

The Timberwolves Council of Elders - Fire and Hire Edition

Present: Glen Taylor, Kevin McHale, Fred Hoiberg, Jim Stack, Rob Babcock, Jim Petersen, various members of the Timberwolves ownership group

Glen Taylor: Elders, before we start...the secret handshake...

(silence, the flutter of robes)

Glen Taylor: Gentlemen, we are gathered here in this emergency session to determine the future of our brother, Randy Wittman...

Kevin McHale: I don't want to coach!

Glen Taylor: Kevin, you'll have your turn soon enough. Now, as I was saying, our team once again is under performing. Fans are staying away in droves, resentment is in the air, and it seems we are prematurely forced to take action. The obvious move here would be a coaching change, but I need your wisdom and sage advice in this dire hour.

Ownership group: Ask for a bailout!!!

(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)

Glen Taylor: That comes later, gentlemen. We have to assure the fans that we can make the necessary changes in order for the team to be successful, or I'm afraid all is lost.

Kevin McHale: Look guys, I'm feeling a bit like KG back in the day here; not only do I have to assemble the best young talent in the NBA and manage the cap, but now I have to coach again too? Veteran mercenaries I can coach, but young players, before the holidays? Can't we get Stack or Sichting to close out the season, then decide?

Jim Petersen: I could coach, I'm a Lynx assistant now...

Glen Taylor: Jim, this isn't a time to joke around. We're in trouble here. Look Kevin, my balance sheet is looking pretty poor. If we fire Randy now, I'm on the hook for his salary, and I just got rid of Dwayne's. If you haven't noticed, our team--like the economy--is in recession. You told me we had up and comers. You told me we'd be 20 games better than last year, and it seems you had a reason for saying that, so being that no one else here seems to get the blueprint you're creating, it's up to you to fix this. Gentlemen, do you agree?

(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)

Fred Hoiberg: Sir, if I might...

Glen Taylor: Of course Fred, you have the floor.

Fred Hoiberg: Kevin's a Hall of Famer to be sure, but if we take one more step back, I think there's a pattern developing here. When we traded Cassell and acquired Marko, Kevin told the media via Sid that we had the talent to make the playoffs. When we made the first Boston trade, he said that Marcus Banks was the key to the deal...

Jim Petersen: Mark Blount was the second best center in the Western Conference!

Fred Hoiberg: Yeah, right Jim. Then he trades a Hall of Famer and acquires talent that never won anything or even progressed in a second Boston trade, but yet Kevin is telling everyone how good they're going to be. Now, last off-season, he says we should be better by 20 more games. I think the evidence is getting clear...

Glen Taylor: That we should keep our mouths shut when we make deals?

Fred Hoiberg: No, no, that maybe Kevin isn't up to the job of VP.

Kevin McHale: You traitor...I knew I couldn't trust anyone outside of Stadium Village!

Fred Hoiberg: Look Kevin, you were a great player, and an awesome announcer. But I have to say, your track record is not getting any better here, and we're all being dragged down...

Rob Babcock: I'd love the VP job...I could hire Sam Mitchell all over again.

Fred Hoiberg: Whatever...Glen, all I'm saying is that firing Randy is one thing. Some of our fans will take that as a good sign. But maybe Randy isn't the entire problem, just like Dwyane wasn't the entire problem, or Flip for that matter, maybe it's Kevin...or maybe even us.

(the elders gasp)

Glen Taylor: Ah Fred, you're displaying your corporate naivete...rule one, always have a fall guy. I'm very comfortable with a simple coaching change right now, as long as Kevin's willing to show us the path back to respectability here, and because I love Kevin like a son. (leans over and kisses McHale on the cheek) Otherwise, we could kick this fall guy thing up another notch. Gentlemen, what say you?

Ownership Group: Aye!!! Down with Wittman, up with McHale!!!

Glen Taylor: Kevin, there's the deal. What say you?

(the plot thickens...)

Evidence Based Basketball - Part 2

Continuing on from last post, the Wolves have put themselves in a pickle with the way they have begun this season, if you truly believe change is coming to Minnesota. With a 3-10 record, (a .231 winning percentage), they are on track to win 18-19 games. To reach the level where most dedicated fans, bloggers and MSM thought they were going to be--somewhere between 30-36 wins--they are going to have to win at around a .400 (28-41) or .500 (35-34) pace in their last 69 games. Not impossible by any stretch of the imagination, but my contention is that there's no evidence that they can or will perform at that level.

Tonight's game with OKC notwithstanding, the Wolves are one win ahead of the 07-08 pace; they were 2-11 on exactly this date last year. They went 20-49 the remainder of last season, roughly a .290 winning percentage. We were sold at the time that one primary reason why they were losing was Randy Foye's injury. If one immedately jumps to 1/29/08--the first game Foye was back in the rotation--the Wolves finished the remaining 38 games 14-24, a .368 winning percentage. Fast forward to the present, with Foye healthy and getting major minutes in the rotation, the Wolves are losing at a similar rate to last year. In fact, what is advertised to be the core of this team really isn't much different than '07-'08. It would suggest that as a long-term solution to the Wolves' problem--Foye ain't it.

This dilemma parallels the current economic crisis we're in, as well as the two approaches offered by our Presidential candidates in the recent election. Either Vice President McHale can tell us that the fundamentals of the franchise are sound, or he can concoct a personnel or coaching stimulus package to jolt the fortunes of the team. He can hope that one or more of his existing "core" (probably someone other than Big Al) dramatically improves their game(s), then continue to add talent primarily via the draft, or he can attempt to change the dynamic by adding or subtracting players or coaches.

If McHale "stays the course", and keeps the team's nucleus and coaching staff in place, there's little evidence to suggest that they will substantially improve. The previous McHale draft choices the last four years--McCants, Foye, Brewer, Smith, Richard, and now Love--have failed to add anything other than mediocrity to the franchise. Brewer and Love can still be considered projects, but the others--particularly McCants and the now departed Richard--have made little positive impact on the team. In Rashad's case particularly, he's approaching "Mini-JR" status; with his selfish, brooding, turnover prone game, he's a growing cancer on this roster. With neither the handle or the mindset to play anything but the "microwave" role, he could be considered one of the Iron Ranger's biggest draft mistakes--right alongside William Avery and Ndudi Ebi.

Jolting the team via coaching change has already been tried, but it's an inevitable tool to be used if the Wolves continue to lose at their current rate. Even though the evidence clearly suggests the main problem is at the strategy and talent acquisition level, Glen Taylor, not Kevin McHale, would need to step in and provide the stimulus jolt. Considering the enormous investment in the current strategy--undersized front court, struggling point guard play, poor defense--for him to step back and actually admit failure at this time and make the systemic changes needed to reverse the franchise fortunes would be remarkable indeed.

The evidence just isn't there...yet.

The Pretenders

(Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images)

Both Hakeem Olajuwon and Moses Malone were embarrassed by Boston last night. As the broadcast of the Celtics trouncing our Woebegoners began, Chief Vindicator (and Lynx assistant coach) Jim Petersen immediately took pains to compare Al Jefferson to the two Hall of Fame centers, saying that Jefferson's footwork was the best he's seen since the Dream; the way Big Al tapped in his first basket reminded him of Moses Malone. In comparing Garnett and Al, I think I actually heard him say Jefferson was going to be in the Hall of Fame one day. I can't be sure I heard that statement correctly however; by that time I was in my kitchen vigorously working my martini shaker. I had a feeling I was going to need a sip or two to watch this "contest". As the game continued, I was correct. So much for comparisons.

It would be easy and I think even a tad classless to rip the Wolves, after all, given that they followed up their first win in November against Philly with such an awful, moribund, amateur, lifeless and confuzzled performance, the team must be beating themselves up. I mean, they dedicated an entire Don Overbeck commerical, hired Verne Troyer's stunt double to pose as a leprechaun, and were able to sucker an announced 19,000 plus into the Target Center, only to watch KG and the Celts waive to our club in their rear view mirror. Talk about your buzzkills! Yep, it would be easy and classless, so I'll do it.

What exactly is it about the Wolves current brain trust that they can't see the damage they are inflicting on their own franchise? Is it the hubris of wealth, the promimently Republican leadership, midwestern stubborness, a combination of the three, or something else? When all is said and done, one day Glen Taylor will probably sell this team at a profit, even with the mounting losses he must be taking on right now. He can continue to sit in the front row at TC, smile, and tell anyone who will listen that while he's not happy with their season start, he has faith that things will turn out. It's the same words our owner's been saying now for years. And, you know, he's right, it WILL turn out...for Glen Taylor. Like a lot of other upper bracket capitalists in this economy, even in failure he'll get paid. At least Taylor is not asking for a bailout...yet.

By the time they get around to actually being successful, the only people left following the Wolves will be a bunch of bloggers (gamely, but incorrectly insisting Kevin Love is a fantastic player), purists who simply appreciate professional basketball at any cost, and the dance team. If you can't get a deal on a ticket, why would a casual fan show up? Last night, you can see when a team is assembled the right way--defense, then offense--how excellence is achieved. Sure, we all expected the Wolves not to make the playoffs this year, but they're regressing--not progressing. This team--night in, night out--can't guard anybody. Even when they traded for an above average low post player to replace Garnett, they're still a predominately jump shooting team who can't get decent shots when pressured. And, when the shooting percentage is .313...in Mafia terms, forget about it. Against quality teams, they can't generate enough defense to keep them in the game until they find some semblence of offense to steal a win.

If anyone thinks once again tanking this year to acquire a Ricky Rubio or Brandon Jennings in next year's draft is going to solve the problem, well, I have a couple of full price Wolves lower level tickets I'd like to sell you. Who says even if the Wolves COULD draft those players, they would? There's GOT to be another player that McHale will think is better that he'll draft--despite the "Council of Elders" approach they've got working now. At the core of this failure is the inability to assess talent and hire the right coach to implement a vision--any vision.

The one thing this club did right last night was not wait until the fourth quarter to lose the game. For those folks simply wanting to see KG once again in person, they could have left at the start of the fourth quarter, beaten any traffic home, or had a late dinner/nightcap at any one of several fine Warehouse District establishments. That's real consideration, in my book. How exactly is it that a team of veterans on the back end of a two game stint has more energy in the second half than the young'uns with a day off in-between their game? The mind boggles.

According to reports, the OKC Thunder have fired PJ Carlesimo, after their 1-12 start. Given their new location novelty, that team could sit on their hands, do nothing, and still have a great attendance year. Yet, they care enough about the club to see--after only a season or two--that PJ wasn't going to get it done. Even the Clippers are making moves, for Jim Pete's sake. Yet the Wolves--faced with the increasingly obvious evidence that this group is on a court to nowhere--are refusing to budge. They'd much rather spin at this point, and compare Jefferson to Hall of Fame centers, instead of building an environment where he could one day achieve that plateau.

That's the mark of pretenders, not contenders.

Alternative Programming

My daughter--home for Thanksgiving, now on her way back to NY--is trying to get me hooked on Heroes, the NBC Monday night comic book drama. Since the writers strike is as of this date not settled, reports are that shows are running out of first run episodes, and will either broadcast reruns, or find other reality based programming to show.

Civic minded pop culturist that I am, I'd like to propose an alternative. A spin-off of Heroes, based on the exploits of our own Minnesota Timberwolves, I present to you...Zeros.

Our storyline so far...

Local billionaire saves franchise from relocation, and along with a hall-of-fame sports icon turned vice-president (VP) and his youthful sidekick Flip, seeks to re-energize team by an infusion of fresh DNA and changed uniforms. A club is formed--Taylor.org--with the belief that parochial front office networking with former Gopher, Big Ten and Celtic greats will be the key to greatness. For a brief time, hope is high, as a threesome emerges to compete for the hearts and minds of the Minnesota sporting public. Success is fleeting, however, as front-office foibles and foul-ups cause two of the three to journey both west and east, leaving only one super-human alone to languish without help for years on end. The billionaire--seemingly under some sort of mind-meld emanating from our hall of famer--does the VP's bidding, signing mercenaries of reported disrepute to assist our one withering asset. For a single glorious year, order is restored and national fame is achieved. However the mercenaries--when not paid their excessive booty--rebel against our valiant club, causing the franchise to implode, nearly taking out loyal sidekick Flip, who after months of healing, wanders to Detroit to find his coaching "chi" again.

Meanwhile, our lone super hero begins to show signs of CLD--Chronic Losing Disease. Symptoms include looking wasted and hopeless in the 4th quarter along with paradoxical thinking, like using available Taylor.org resources to re-sign associates with limited talent, and demanding salary extensions that would extinguish any hope of acquiring the help needed to once again bring happiness to a restless and suspicious public. Tension between the VP and our lone hero grows, as the CLD only gets worse and the affliction threatens to spread throughout the entire organization, the irony being however that the VP is the carrier of the CLD--NOT the superstar. Increasingly besieged and isolated, the VP increases the intensity of the mind-meld on the local billionare, and begins to develop a plan. He must rid himself of the lone superstar before it's too late!

In the summer of 2007...the deed is done. Our one hero is dispatched to Boston, before the disease is irreversible. Within months, he is back to near peak health--with salary extensions intact. The Boston sporting public, having previously received gifts from other Minnesota sporting franchises, is thankful and energized. Having nearly rid themselves of all signs of their own CLD, they are looking forward AND upward to the rafters, where signs of previous glory hang from the ceiling.

News is not so good for the Midwestern homeland though. Trading the superstar did not halt the spread of CLD. In fact, much like an earlier transaction with the East Coast franchise, the CLD has only intensified and again threatens the entire organization. Our billionaire begins to show early signs of his own, giving bizarre interviews to local media, in hoping to convince the cynical public that time and the continuing expertise of our VP will be all that's needed to rid ourselves of this horrible affliction. The television color analyst takes the role of Chief Vindicator and attempts to misdirect the public. He often begins statements with "What people don't realize", or "what the ordinary fan doesn't know", in hopes of convincing the public that this affliction is not CLD, but merely a three to six year rash. Some of "the cultures" they received this time from Boston--along with local strains already developed, will prove themselves, he claims.

On the court, however, the results get only worse. "The cultures" sent from Boston sometimes show promise, only to fail by the 4th quarter. Turnovers, poor defense and shooting, and lack of execution all are taking it's toll on our team. To date mostly zeros exist.

Who will save us? Who will save them?

An Affair to Dismember

...With apologies to Deborah Kerr, a fine actress who died this week.

According to Patrick Reusse, the Wolves are starting their media blitz to re-connect with their fan base this week, the official kick-off to "See What They Can Do". When you add that to the their familiar Midwestern themes of chemistry and loyalty, neither the sum or the parts seem particularly attractive. When you're losing big or blowing leads as they have been doing in the pre-season, how does that build any zazz at all? I'm not sure a Chamber of Commerce luncheon will overcome years of incompetence, trading your hall-of-famer, and encouraging all of us to reach deep down and discover our inner cynic. It's time to be bold and fresh.

For example...if you're going to sell youth, how about using Nat King Cole's song, "Too Young"?

"they tried to tell us we're too young"....update the song, put it against a video montage of the Wolves young guns dunking and defending, and at least you have a little something with energy and spirit. You have elements that can attract an older crowd and a younger, hip-hop community if you, for example, split screen old Nat with a new, up and coming artist. Since KG is throwing shots at you anyway, why not begin with him saying at the Boston press conference 'I don't do young"? Edgy and imaginative, a marketing middle finger back at the Ticket.

That's the problem with the front office--no zazz, no energy, no cool. Who'd want to rekindle an affair with THAT bunch?

If you're going to lose games big--as the first pre-season indications look like--Taylor.org is going to have to work that much harder to prove that progress is being made. Otherwise, you had better do what the loyal fan base (what's left of it) has been begging you to do for years: cut the country club to shreds and start over.

Truth or Originality?

"No, I don't quite understand why McHale still has a job. And I think he failed to take advantage of one of the greatest players in NBA history. Now do you want to tell me how this is even remotely qualifies as an original, interesting take on August 2, 2007?

What is interesting to me is that the guy I've been bashing has had three pretty good drafts in a row. That those drafts and the trade he just made point toward a philosophy of play he has always preached, one directly at odds with the two most influential figures in the Wolves' past success--KG and Flip Saunders." - Britt Robson, August 2, 2007

I would offer to Britt that what's unoriginal lies in the continual and long standing failure of the Wolves organization to acknowledge what the real problem is. Isn't it usually said when a coach gets fired, that it's easier than firing all the players? Well, in this case, both the coach AND the players are getting fired, with the core issue remaining...the Iron Ranger and Clueless Glen. There is absolutely no evidence that McHale's new Navy will be any better in the end. Why? Because it's not simply about the players; it's also how you treat them, how you work with their agents, what type of contracts you sign them to. It's a skill set beyond the hardwood, and the Ranger doesn't have it. We've seen this now for many years. THAT is what's unoriginal. We're still waiting for Godot, and it's time the play ends.

I can certainly argue that the last three drafts haven't been that good. McCants hasn't proven a thing, while Danny Granger's upside is at least as viable. Randy Foye or Brandon Roy? Hmm...I think I'll take Roy. And, if all Corey Brewer becomes is Bruce Bowen or Raja Bell, that's a waste of a good seventh pick. Usually players of that ilk should be found in the late first or second rounds. Add to that all the familiar and unoriginal examples...Ebi, Paul Grant, William Avery, and the results are overwhelmingly negative in evaluating McHale's tenure here.

For the record, it's not because KG was traded that I harp on these facts. Some of the things KG said at the Boston press conference was incredible. Taylor showed plenty of loyalty and love to the guy, over 200 million worth. KG--while great--was an over priced talent, but never recognized his role in all this mess. He's content to play victim. Now as you, me, and many others have said, there are no excuses. But the fact remains everything negative about the Wolves has flowed downhill from the front office. Marv Wolfenson, Harvey Ratner, Bob Stein, Jack McCloskey, Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale. A wall of organizational shame.

Yeah, it will be interesting to see what happens, and I'll go to games, because I love basketball, and it will be a challenge for me to guess which referee is actually on the take. But even more than wasting a top talent like KG, the real tragedy is here ruining a basketball market with incompetence, arrogance, and spin. It's an old familiar theme; boring, unoriginal, but it's the truth.