Alternative Programming

My daughter--home for Thanksgiving, now on her way back to NY--is trying to get me hooked on Heroes, the NBC Monday night comic book drama. Since the writers strike is as of this date not settled, reports are that shows are running out of first run episodes, and will either broadcast reruns, or find other reality based programming to show.

Civic minded pop culturist that I am, I'd like to propose an alternative. A spin-off of Heroes, based on the exploits of our own Minnesota Timberwolves, I present to you...Zeros.

Our storyline so far...

Local billionaire saves franchise from relocation, and along with a hall-of-fame sports icon turned vice-president (VP) and his youthful sidekick Flip, seeks to re-energize team by an infusion of fresh DNA and changed uniforms. A club is formed--Taylor.org--with the belief that parochial front office networking with former Gopher, Big Ten and Celtic greats will be the key to greatness. For a brief time, hope is high, as a threesome emerges to compete for the hearts and minds of the Minnesota sporting public. Success is fleeting, however, as front-office foibles and foul-ups cause two of the three to journey both west and east, leaving only one super-human alone to languish without help for years on end. The billionaire--seemingly under some sort of mind-meld emanating from our hall of famer--does the VP's bidding, signing mercenaries of reported disrepute to assist our one withering asset. For a single glorious year, order is restored and national fame is achieved. However the mercenaries--when not paid their excessive booty--rebel against our valiant club, causing the franchise to implode, nearly taking out loyal sidekick Flip, who after months of healing, wanders to Detroit to find his coaching "chi" again.

Meanwhile, our lone super hero begins to show signs of CLD--Chronic Losing Disease. Symptoms include looking wasted and hopeless in the 4th quarter along with paradoxical thinking, like using available Taylor.org resources to re-sign associates with limited talent, and demanding salary extensions that would extinguish any hope of acquiring the help needed to once again bring happiness to a restless and suspicious public. Tension between the VP and our lone hero grows, as the CLD only gets worse and the affliction threatens to spread throughout the entire organization, the irony being however that the VP is the carrier of the CLD--NOT the superstar. Increasingly besieged and isolated, the VP increases the intensity of the mind-meld on the local billionare, and begins to develop a plan. He must rid himself of the lone superstar before it's too late!

In the summer of 2007...the deed is done. Our one hero is dispatched to Boston, before the disease is irreversible. Within months, he is back to near peak health--with salary extensions intact. The Boston sporting public, having previously received gifts from other Minnesota sporting franchises, is thankful and energized. Having nearly rid themselves of all signs of their own CLD, they are looking forward AND upward to the rafters, where signs of previous glory hang from the ceiling.

News is not so good for the Midwestern homeland though. Trading the superstar did not halt the spread of CLD. In fact, much like an earlier transaction with the East Coast franchise, the CLD has only intensified and again threatens the entire organization. Our billionaire begins to show early signs of his own, giving bizarre interviews to local media, in hoping to convince the cynical public that time and the continuing expertise of our VP will be all that's needed to rid ourselves of this horrible affliction. The television color analyst takes the role of Chief Vindicator and attempts to misdirect the public. He often begins statements with "What people don't realize", or "what the ordinary fan doesn't know", in hopes of convincing the public that this affliction is not CLD, but merely a three to six year rash. Some of "the cultures" they received this time from Boston--along with local strains already developed, will prove themselves, he claims.

On the court, however, the results get only worse. "The cultures" sent from Boston sometimes show promise, only to fail by the 4th quarter. Turnovers, poor defense and shooting, and lack of execution all are taking it's toll on our team. To date mostly zeros exist.

Who will save us? Who will save them?