Can't Buy Me Love

Piccadilly Circus - London

I ask you, if you were a missing NBA player with a huge multi-million guaranteed contract, time on your hands, and a sense of retail (or a daughter who's studying the fashion industry at a East Coast college) where might you go? Carnaby Street, of course! This Central London location--center of late 60's fashion--was packed full of traffic and full of last minute shopping. According to BBC reports, retail is down by double digits in London; as a result, even though profits are off, shopkeepers are being forced to match sale pricing by other stores, just to keep market share. This is fabulous if you have cash, not so good if your business has to continue to cut prices at the same time you're losing money.

Carnaby is a small street, but folks come here by the droves, to hang, eat and shop.

There were a lot of empty seats at this indoor complex, but the weather has been remarkably mild the last week here in London Town, so a lot of people stayed outside in other cafes. Minnesotans would be proud. There were no signs of our players, as the replacements lost again in San Antonio 99-93. Since Christmas is coming upon us, I'm going to pray for heavenly guidance, as to where I might search next...

P.S. - Following my new tradition, tomorrow will also be my day for gift giving to the entire Timberwolves organization!

Here, There, and Everywhere

London -

We've had quite the few days searching for the lost Timberwolves. We've looked at the Tower of London:

at Camden Market, interrogating the locals:

even at taverns, where young comics dressed up in horrible movie costumes--in this case Stallone's Judge Dredd--were working in their upper room for free.

add to that the before-mentioned Speakers Corner at Hyde Park, and we've nibbled around the edges, following every lead, turning over every cobblestone. We've searched here and there but not quite everywhere.

Nada.

I'm beginning to think these players don't want to be found. In a city as diverse as London Town, they could blend in anywhere. Hope is giving away to resignation, that the players we have now might well be the ones we have for the rest of the season. Just think, the rest of the NBA, locked in a battle with the Thunder, Wizards, and Clippers among others, battling for the worst record in the league, to gain yet another high draft choice, with Coach McHale, Jim Stack and Rob Babcock all waiting to make another scintillating pick in the hopes of rebuilding the franchise...

Okay, okay, I'll keep looking!

For the Benefit of Mr. Jones

Hyde Park, London -

Remember Sweetwater Jones? I found his ghost yesterday in this gentleman, over at Speakers Corner in Hyde Park. He was talking about the evils of the working world, how we have sold our freedom and souls to the slavery of employment. I tried my best to get him to say "Sensational!", but he looked at me rather curiously, like I was raving mad.

Now, that could be true.

It was a thin day at the Corner, Mr. Jones being the only one to step and offer an oratory about the world and what was wrong or right about it. It's a popular Sunday morning tradition for this area to hold an impressive number of folks who hoist themselves up on a platform (that being the rule) and declare their opinions to the surrounding audience. Actors, comedians, philosophers...I'm told a whole variety of people stand up and get their proclamations on. This is holiday over in England of course, and so Mr. Jones was the solo attraction. These few words are offered for his benefit. Well done, sir.

Helter Skelter Ramblings

Telfair?

London, England -

I thought I had two possible Timberwolves sightings near the Tower of London on Saturday, but I couldn't get close enough to verify any of my suspicions. One was jogging by the River Thames at a fast pace, in a blue uniform, resembling a Euroleague or soccer player with the number "2" on his back, the other a standing guard near the Crown Jewels . We are headed to Hyde Park today, in hopes of gathering more information.

The Brits are very educated about the goings on in America, sometimes even more than we Americans are. I've heard jokes about Sarah Palin and Watergate, and a general relief regarding the transition that will occur in January. Like many of the liberals in America, they quite can't understand the whole Rick Warren invocation thing, but are so happy that Bush is leaving, they are more than willing to give Obama the benefit of the doubt.

As I mentioned in my last post, only the tip of the economic iceberg is believed to be melting down here. Folks are starting to outright lose jobs, getting pay cuts, or taking days off without pay to save their companies. There are so many tourists here however, that everything seems normal. Harrod's is bustling, there are hoards of people in shops and restaurants, and the nightlife here is impressive. And, even in 40 degree weather, people will sit outside to drink, smoke and eat. Mass transit in this town is simply remarkable.

Meanwhile, it looks as if the replacements lost again to the Rockets, 109-102. Fake Al tried his best with 34 points and 13 rebounds, but in the end, it looks like the Wolves lack of perimeter defense did them in. And, Mike Miller gets his ankle dinged again. Much like our economy, all the years of poor decisions, lax oversight, and arrogant behavior have caught up with this franchise. Even with the "genius" of McHale coaching, this team is totally exposed, hope is being decimated with each loss. That reality makes me more determined to find our real players and bring them home. Our fans, our state deserve much better than what we're getting now...

Nowhere, Man

London, England -

The first day here in London has gone by without major incident, and no progress to report on the status of the missing Timberwolves. We were simply trying to get heat in our rented flat upon our arrival, and considering the effects of black mold exposure during our 10 day investigation.

The UK economy sucks--a major funiture manufacturer just announced the closure of all their stores and the loss of 1400 jobs--but there is a stoicism in the Brits that I've met, and a bustling, energized community ready to celebrate Christmas. They've seen bad times before, and are dealing with it.

Only a few folks here have heard about the Timberwolves plight; they know about the NBA, and how bad the team is, and that KG got traded away. In fact, other people didn't know KG ever played for the Wolves; only remembering he's playing for the "fake" Boston. Apparently, original 13 colony humor is prevalent in the UK. That and room temperature ale.

My daughter has quite an investigative itinerary planned in search of the boys, so I"m hopeful we can come up with something. Meanwhile the currently plummeting replacement club plays back in Minnesota against the Rockets. Houston's on the end of a back to back, having decisively beaten Sacramento (who pummeled us) last night, 107-96. Yao Ming ought to take our small ball front court and rip it to shreds, not to mention Tracy McGrady getting any shot he wants against our porous perimeter defense.

The Wolves are going nowhere, man.

London Calling

I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Seeing no progress as to the whereabouts of our missing Wolves roster, I am following whatever leads there are and heading to London, England, to search for the missing club. According to reports, there have been at least three sightings of different Wolves players at GB Euroleague games; I can't judge the accuracy of these reports, but frankly I can't make any worse progress than what already has--or hasn't-- been made.

The only thing I'm afraid of is after the pasting the replacements received last night at the hands of Cleveland, some of the replacements will be following me.

I'll try to provide updates of the search if possible...

Kevin McHale, All-American

Text of Kevin McHale's halftime locker room speech last night in Sacramento (adapted from KNUTE ROCKNE- ALL AMERICAN (1940) http://archives.nd.edu/rockne/speech.html):

"Well, boys ... I haven't a thing to say. You're playing a great game...all of you. Great game...at least offensively."

[He tries to smile, knowing the Kings shot well over 60 percent in the second quarter]

"I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all."

[McHale pauses and says quietly]

"I'm going to tell you something you've known for years...most of you know I like to Quip. It started long before your time, back in my Timberwolves broadcasting career. It's become a tradition here in Minnesota...I thought you boys could use cheering up."

[There is a gentle, faraway look in his eyes as he recalls his last smile and quip...the beginning of the 3rd quarter of the Denver game]

"And the last advice I'll give tonight: boys, this half, when you'll be up against it -- and the [fast]breaks are beating you and Foye, you just go out there, with all you got and win just one for me, the Quipper..."

[McHale's eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.]

"I don't know what state I'll be in, Wolves", he said, "but I'll know about it - and I'll be happy."

There is a hushed stillness as McHale and the crowd of players look at each other. In the midst of this tense silence, McHale quietly says "Alright," to the men beside him, and he limps slowly out of the dressing room.

PLAYER # 12--tonight, being played by Kevin Ollie:

"Well, what are we waiting for?"

[With a single roar, the players throw off their blankets and rush through the doorway...]

The Wolves go on to lose the game in a lackluster, passion-less game 118-103 to the Kings. They can't finish fast breaks, they can't stop anybody defensively, and--despite that dramatic plea from their head coach--they give an awful effort in the embarrassing loss.

After scoring 22 in the first half, Al Jefferson barely touches the ball in the second half. McCants does his usual "score when we're far behind" trick, finishing with 21 points in the game. Talk about lack of identity: the first half they're setting up Al in the low block, the second they ignore him and run up and down the court like a bunch of middle schoolers. However, middle schoolers are taught by coaches to stop dribble penetration at the perimeter. Randy Foye is hopelessly lost against middle to upper tier point guards.

The Wolves are wiping the smile right off of McHale's face. So much for great talent and genius coaching. All that's left is to someday, somehow, win one for the Quipper.

Futility, Inc.

Feeling good about that new coach yet? Does anyone not in denial believe we have a chance to get substantially better this season? Since the Iron Ranger was reinstated as coach we have lost four straight against good teams, the latest being the Lakers 98-86 somnambulant victory over the Wolves. The Lakers played mediocre, disinterested basketball the entire game, shooting under 45%, getting outrebounded (16-9 on the offensive end), made one less free throw and hit less from the arc than the Minnesota club, yet found a way to win by 12.

Why?

Try shooting 36% percent from the floor, and committing 17 turnovers, mostly in the first half. Even when the Wolves tightened their act up in the second half turnover-wise and moved the ball around--especially in the third quarter--one never had the sense that the Lakers felt any sort of urgency to respond...until they did in the fourth.

Okay, you can say it's the Lakers, with talent and veteran leadership to spare. But it's also the story with the Jazz, Nuggets, and Spurs. They all took Minnesota's best shot, then kicked in another gear when they had to and won those games, just like in those expansion years we're "celebrating" in this our 20th anniversary. When they play tonight against the Kings, will the Wolves respond to a team who is closer to them in talent and experience, or will they continue to make excuses, as McHale did again last night about them not being in shape to run his desired tempo?

Yeah, right.

The problem isn't tempo, it's defense and finishing. Game after game, we hear about how Love and Jefferson are such dynamic rebounders, but I ask you, what good is rebounding if you can't make a basket? This is especially true with Kevin Love, who is being pounded down our throats by our television broadcasting crew. Here's the deal; Love may be serviceable to pretty good one day, but he has to do three things:

1) Find different and creative angles to score in the low post after an offensive rebound. Kicking it out to an open player helps as well, but given the scrums down low, if he can't put it back up for a basket after grabbing an initial carom, then all you're doing is padding stats, and giving Jim Petersen a good orgasmic stroking. If he can convert a higher percentage of his rebounds directly to points or assists, he could be better than good.

2) Hit a mid-range shot. Love showed good range in college, but has been terribly inconsistent to date in the pros. The majority of college ballers usually take a year or so to adjust their shooting skills to the pro game; as a result, it's not surprising that Love is struggling. But part of this whole undersized front court Al-can-play-with-Kevin sort of thing was based on Love's ability to play the high post, make the mid-range basket, draw out the defense, and use his passing skills to help distribute the ball. That hasn't happened yet, especially when McHale is stubbornly trying to justify his selections of other mediocre draft choices like Craig Smith and Rashad McCants.

3) Play some damn defense. He's shown some aptitude, but unless both Love and Jefferson commit to an urgent, consistent two-way style of play, this undersized concept of McHale's simply won't work. I'm on record as saying it won't work anyway, but these guys do have some talent, it's just not consistently at both ends of the court.

The essential problem with this team is that McHale's primary focus seems to be proving to the rest of the world his roster can play at a higher level. That means trying to rehabilitate folks like McCants, Smith, and Foye. Love is essentially behind two pecking orders; one is the normal rookie-has-to-justify-his-spot process, but the second is the-coach-has-to-demonstrate-he-picked-the-right-players-or-he-loses-his-job siutation. That's a recipe for futility, because as we've seen against the good to great teams all year long, both the coaching and talent level isn't up to snuff.

We'll have another indication tonight, on the road against the Kings.

Stockholm to Minnesota?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 12, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

A University of Minnesota professor has announced his findings regarding why Minnesota Timberwolves basketball fans are not more incensed over the retention of Kevin McHale anywhere in the NBA organization.

Dr. Irving Nevrgotany, a renowned sociologist, had been conducting a five year long study on sporting fans relationship to their teams. He said it's pretty clear why a core group of fans, bloggers and press are willing to give McHale another break.

"It's a variation of the classic Stockholm Syndrome, where people held hostage start to become loyal to their captors", explained Dr. Nevrgotany. "This situation is different of course, being there's no real abduction, but the mere fact that [Owner] Glen Taylor refused for years to make the core changes to the Timberwolves necessary to relieve the fans' frustration, in effect he was holding these fans hostage. They are beaten down, psychologically exhausted from the negativity surrounding the franchise. When the change to McHale came, even though in the end it might prove to be one more useless move, it was enough for many fans, bloggers and press to rally around the franchise. They can't withstand any more negativity, especially during these bad economic times, and of course, the holiday season."

This variation of Stockholm Syndrome is so distinct, says Nevrgotany, that he has given it another name. "I'm calling this Mankato Madness", proclamined Nevrgotany, "after Glen Taylor's home base of operations. In this case, the name seems very appropriate."

The Wolves play San Antonio tonight, 7 pm, at Target Center.

Who's the Clown?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 11, 2008, Denver, CO)

Newly installed Timberwolves head coach Kevin McHale announced after Wednesday's loss to Denver (116-105) that "Rimshot" Davis, a local Minnesota stand-up comedian and comedy writer, will be joining the team as Comedy Coordinator. "I think everyone can see after two games, that I'm not much of an X's and O's type of guy", commented McHale, when asked about the hiring. "I mean, not having a decent out of bounds play at the end of the Utah game, and last night when Carmelo [Anthony] went off for 33 against us, geez, I went into a zone to make Anthony shoot over the stop instead of a double team to try and get the ball out of his hands and make someone else beat us. In baseball terms, that would be a swing and a miss on my part. Realistically, even though I still have the highest winning percentage in Timberwolves history, I have only coached 33 games, so there's a lot to learn here. My humor and letting the guys have fun are the primary tools I have to help the replacements here, and maybe, just maybe if the real roster is watching, we get them back home. Rimshot's a funny guy, he also went to the U [University of Minnesota] back in the day, so I think I'll be able to trust him."

Davis, when reached by phone, said while this is the most unique situation he's been in, the money's good, and he has a plan. "Comedy is hard work and timing, much like basketball", he said. "It's knowing the particular audience you're trying to affect, and then when to say something. Using a line on an older referee, or Violet Palmer (the only female referee in the NBA), will be much different than saying something to a bunch of young players. We'll bring in content from the last 40 or so years, index it, do a little pre-game prep--call it a "laugh-a-round"--and then rely on Kevin's sense of delivery and timing to make it work. He's a true natural at this."

Glen Taylor, owner of the Timberwolves franchise, remains skeptical, but is willing to go along with the experiment for now. "As a rule, Republicans aren't very funny", said Taylor. "I mean, there was Bob Hope, and now Drew Carey, Dennis Miller, and maybe even Pat Sajak who's had some success, but on the whole, people laugh at us than with us, if you know what I mean. Where we generally get the last laugh is when we own the companies the real comedians work for. That always sobers them up. However, Rimshot's done a lot of private holiday parties for my other businesses, and he assures me that he can give Kevin all the material he needs to keep everyone loose. I hope the fans will recognize that we're pulling out all the stops to make our brand of basketball fun again. And, we want our real team to come home."

Davis will begin work immediately, in preparation for Friday's game with the San Antonio Spurs at Target Center, 7 pm.

Media News: Fox News President Roger Ailes, Jim Petersen Discuss National On-Air Role; Britt Robson to Write Advice Column

Roger Ailes, Fox News President

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 10, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Jim Petersen may be fair and balanced after all. Reports out of Minneapolis have Roger Ailes, Fox News President, and Minnesota Timberwolves television broadcaster (and Lynx assistant coach) Petersen in discussions to join Fox News as a political/sports commentator. Rumors of the discussions have been going on for weeks, according to sources, but have heated up after Ailes watched a live broadcast of the Minnesota Timberwolves loss to the Utah Jazz, 99-96.

The source, who requested anonymity, said Ailes caught the broadcast while channel surfing for MSNBC's Countdown. "He was stunned by Petersen's ability to take minor facts and make them important", said the source. "Roger almost fell off his chair when he heard how Petersen praised Kevin McHale's [newly installed Timberwolves Head Coach] winning percentage, even though he had only coached 31 games. He flat out stated that if Petersen had been hired to talk about Sarah Palin's [Republican Vice Presidential Candidate] foreign policy experience, the election would have turned out differently. The mention from Jim's sidekick [Wolves play-by-play announcer Tom Hanneman] about Petersen being fair and balanced lit the bulb in his head. Ailes immediately called Karl Rove and promised he would send a copy of the broadcast to him. Roger really wants this guy."

Petersen could not be reached for comment, but given his political leanings, according to the source, Fox News would be a perfect fit. "Kind of like Minnesota Gov. Pawlenty for the 2012 Presidential election, this guy is an up and comer."

--Robson to Give Sports Advice--

In an Useless Press exclusive, it will be announced today that the online news source MinnPost will begin a sports advice column written by Britt Robson, MinnPost content provider and long time Minnesota Timberwolves reporter (City Pages, The Rake, Secrets of the City). This after recent comments to a popular blogger on his "On the Ball" blog regarding negativity toward the Minnesota Timberwolves NBA basketball franchise.

In a response to the blogger Robson wrote: "Demanding the pound of flesh that will never be exacted is a self-destructive attitude."

"When I saw Britt's reply", said Joel Kramer, Editor and CEO of MinnPost, "I knew he would be the perfect person to write this column and start changing the tone of sports blogging around here. It was like he was that blogger's father, or psychologist at least. I mean, Britt has no formal training, probably knows little about the blogger's background, whether he's a stable, intelligent family man who runs a very successful blog of his own, or just a raving lunatic, but the empathy Britt showed in that response was remarkable. We here at MinnPost are always looking at expanding our content. I think telling people how they should feel about a subject--regardless of how well they state their frustration or argument--is the perfect avenue to head down. It will make the journalistic community feel like elitists again."

No details will be given today on when the column will start, but according to sources, it is slated to start the first quarter of 2009.

Pleas for Progress, Patience and Prayers

NBAE/Getty Images

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 9, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor and newly installed Head Coach Kevin McHale made an impassioned plea to the world community as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves team. "Look, I know Randy yelled a lot, but at the time we told him our young players needed tough love. He was the bad cop, now Kevin will be the good cop", Taylor said at a press conference announcing the firing of Randy Wittman, and the new coaching assignment for McHale. "No matter the circumstances, we're praying for the roster's safe return."

McHale looking ashen and forlorn, basically agreed with Taylor's sentiments. "Look, I love basketball, so even with replacements, if it gives me an excuse not to travel to the in-laws during holiday season, I'm there. The fact is though, I want to be successful with our real team, the kids and players I brought here. I want to show every last one of you [the press] just how good I am as personnel evaluator and a coach. So, I say to any of my guys out there, for whatever reason you've left...please, come home."

Taylor, when asked if he really wanted the team back, given the potential of a government subsidy via the Athletes in Absentia act if the real players remain missing, scoffed at the suggestion. "That's ridiculous, we have no guarantee that we qualify for such funding anyway", reasoned Taylor. "Our fans deserve the very best, that's why we want our players back, and that's why I decided to make a change at this point to make Kevin our head coach. I'm not driving people away to sell the team, or any absurd notion like that."

Fake Al Jefferson, attending the meeting, said no matter the circumstances, he'll play hard for the new coach. "It's too bad we couldn't save Randy, and it's terrible the team has gone through the wringer the last week, but we'll play for the new dude, no doubt", said the faux Jefferson. "Playing the NBA has been a dream of mine, so maybe if the players one day do come back, maybe I'll still have a job."

Timberwolves televison commentator--and Lynx assistant coach--Jim Petersen fought back tears when he said the franchise was at a crossroads. "This situation has been so difficult, I'm proud of what Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale have done today. How many people could both address the short term and the long term issues this team has with one front office shift and press conference? These guys are so amazing, I'm proud to be working with them in any capacity. I only hope that if I ever get the opportunity to head coach or run a team, I can do it with the class of either of these two individuals."

Updates were scarce regarding the disapperance case itself, according to James McGruder, regional FBI agent-in-charge. "We continue to work all the leads, the cooperation we're getting from the Timberwolves franchise has been nothing short of fantastic. This is my first sports related press conference...I could get use to this", McGruder commented.

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves roster can still call the established 800 number: 1-800-Who-Left.

Meet the New Boss...Same as the Old Boss

Okay, I remain skeptical. How is Jim Stack going to make a player deal for Kevin McHale? How is Fred Hoiberg or Rob Babcock going to recommend draft picks for Kevin McHale? How is the Iron Ranger going to put up with all those idiot media types and travel? How is this guy going to work with younger players?

This move is:

a) a beginning baby step for Glen Taylor away from his BFF (Basketball Friend Forever)
b) a way to hold McHale responsible for his player acquisitions

or

c) one the more cynical events in recent Minnesota sports history.

I think McHale will do a better job than Wittman with this club, but remember, they're still replacements, stand-in's for a real team.

Right now, there's only one thing left to say to Glen Taylor and the Wolves organization:

We won't get fooled again.

The Timberwolves Council of Elders - Fire and Hire Edition

Present: Glen Taylor, Kevin McHale, Fred Hoiberg, Jim Stack, Rob Babcock, Jim Petersen, various members of the Timberwolves ownership group

Glen Taylor: Elders, before we start...the secret handshake...

(silence, the flutter of robes)

Glen Taylor: Gentlemen, we are gathered here in this emergency session to determine the future of our brother, Randy Wittman...

Kevin McHale: I don't want to coach!

Glen Taylor: Kevin, you'll have your turn soon enough. Now, as I was saying, our team once again is under performing. Fans are staying away in droves, resentment is in the air, and it seems we are prematurely forced to take action. The obvious move here would be a coaching change, but I need your wisdom and sage advice in this dire hour.

Ownership group: Ask for a bailout!!!

(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)

Glen Taylor: That comes later, gentlemen. We have to assure the fans that we can make the necessary changes in order for the team to be successful, or I'm afraid all is lost.

Kevin McHale: Look guys, I'm feeling a bit like KG back in the day here; not only do I have to assemble the best young talent in the NBA and manage the cap, but now I have to coach again too? Veteran mercenaries I can coach, but young players, before the holidays? Can't we get Stack or Sichting to close out the season, then decide?

Jim Petersen: I could coach, I'm a Lynx assistant now...

Glen Taylor: Jim, this isn't a time to joke around. We're in trouble here. Look Kevin, my balance sheet is looking pretty poor. If we fire Randy now, I'm on the hook for his salary, and I just got rid of Dwayne's. If you haven't noticed, our team--like the economy--is in recession. You told me we had up and comers. You told me we'd be 20 games better than last year, and it seems you had a reason for saying that, so being that no one else here seems to get the blueprint you're creating, it's up to you to fix this. Gentlemen, do you agree?

(Fists repeatedly pound on the table)

Fred Hoiberg: Sir, if I might...

Glen Taylor: Of course Fred, you have the floor.

Fred Hoiberg: Kevin's a Hall of Famer to be sure, but if we take one more step back, I think there's a pattern developing here. When we traded Cassell and acquired Marko, Kevin told the media via Sid that we had the talent to make the playoffs. When we made the first Boston trade, he said that Marcus Banks was the key to the deal...

Jim Petersen: Mark Blount was the second best center in the Western Conference!

Fred Hoiberg: Yeah, right Jim. Then he trades a Hall of Famer and acquires talent that never won anything or even progressed in a second Boston trade, but yet Kevin is telling everyone how good they're going to be. Now, last off-season, he says we should be better by 20 more games. I think the evidence is getting clear...

Glen Taylor: That we should keep our mouths shut when we make deals?

Fred Hoiberg: No, no, that maybe Kevin isn't up to the job of VP.

Kevin McHale: You traitor...I knew I couldn't trust anyone outside of Stadium Village!

Fred Hoiberg: Look Kevin, you were a great player, and an awesome announcer. But I have to say, your track record is not getting any better here, and we're all being dragged down...

Rob Babcock: I'd love the VP job...I could hire Sam Mitchell all over again.

Fred Hoiberg: Whatever...Glen, all I'm saying is that firing Randy is one thing. Some of our fans will take that as a good sign. But maybe Randy isn't the entire problem, just like Dwyane wasn't the entire problem, or Flip for that matter, maybe it's Kevin...or maybe even us.

(the elders gasp)

Glen Taylor: Ah Fred, you're displaying your corporate naivete...rule one, always have a fall guy. I'm very comfortable with a simple coaching change right now, as long as Kevin's willing to show us the path back to respectability here, and because I love Kevin like a son. (leans over and kisses McHale on the cheek) Otherwise, we could kick this fall guy thing up another notch. Gentlemen, what say you?

Ownership Group: Aye!!! Down with Wittman, up with McHale!!!

Glen Taylor: Kevin, there's the deal. What say you?

(the plot thickens...)

Timberwolves Lost - Day 5: Possible Defections?

(Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images)

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 7th, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

The mystery of the missing Timberwolves roster continues, as their replacements/imposters lost Saturday night to the lowly Los Angeles Clippers 107-84. With this loss coming after a lopsided beating in New Jersey, players, coaches and front office all expressed frustration at the situation.

"It's pretty bad when even the replacements don't want to play hard", seethed Head Coach Randy Wittman. "I watched my son's team [Cornell] get waxed in the second half against the Gophers this afternoon, but they played hard, despite the odds. I thought I had my team ready, and since these were the Clippers dammit, this was a game we could have had, even with this roster."

The fake Al Jefferson, who led the team with 28 points and 8 rebounds for the evening, was sympathetic, but disagreed with his new coach. "I understand coach has his shorts in a bundle right now, but I think if anything we need to play together more on defense, and hit our open shots. If I get a little more help from my teammates and stay together, we'll be fine."

One Timberwolves staff member was still optimistic, even after such a devastating loss. "I simply don't get the gloom and doom around here", commented television broadcaster Jim Petersen. "I see signs that Kevin McHale has done a great job managing the situation, and in selecting these replacement players to fill in for the missing roster. Every time I see the new Love kid touch the ball, I'm amazed. He's a little undersized--just like the real Love--and he doesn't finish real well around the basket, given all the rebounds he gets, and his small area quickness hasn't helped him much on the defensive end, but his instincts for the game are awesome. I'm sure Kevin McHale--after this episode is all done--will be vindicated and revered for the superior basketball mind that he is."

Meanwhile, the search continues for the real Timberwolves roster, lost on December 2nd in Orlando during a light practice session in preparation for a contest with the Magic. FBI regional agent-in-charge James McGruder, attending the Wolves/Clippers game with his family, offered an informal update to reporters. "First of all, a big thank you to the Wolves organization for the Full Meal Deal tickets here in the upper level", said McGruder. "Since most of the fans who actually showed up are sitting in the lower section, it's like we have this section all to ourselves. The investigation is continuing, we are tracking leads both in Boston and over in Europe as to where the players might have gone and who might have them. In some aspects this incident is similar to reports about soccer teams playing for totalitarian governments who as an entire team defected from their country. Being this is a NBA franchise and not a government does make it different, but the "team was here, now they're gone" aspect does offer a framework theory from which we can operate. I can't be any more specific than that at this time, plus my son needs a hot dog."

The defection angle does have benefits for the Timberwolves franchise, according to legal experts. The "Athletes In Absentia Act", which encouraged Western sports franchises to welcome defecting athletes to join their teams by offering substantial financial support, is being sought by the Timberwolves to assist them at this time, according to an unnamed source. "It's not a bailout", commented the source, who requested to remain anonymous, "but we are looking into whether or not the rules of the act fit this situation. Obviously, we are suffering significant attenance losses as a result of this action, whether it be kidnapping, defection or resignation. These are perilous times for everyone, not just Wall Street bankers, mortgage owners, state governments, hedge fund managers, small business owners, the auto industry, school districts, universities and colleges, as well as everyday citizens. We're hemorrhaging money, and we can't just can't go out and buy a Costco or Wal-mart to help our cash flow."

The Timberwolves continue playing through this situation on Tuesday, December 9th, against the Utah Jazz at Target Center.

Day 3: Still Missing

(December 5, 2008, Meadowlands, NJ - Useless Press Incorporated)

With no leads and little information coming in, authorities have been increasingly frustrated by the lack of progress in finding the real Minnesota Timberwolves players, as the franchise again prepares their replacements for a game against the New Jersey Nets.

"To put it bluntly, we're stumped", admitted James McGruder, FBI, Minneapolis regional agent-in-charge. "They fell off the face of the earth, and it seems like absolutely no one cares."

A glimmer of hope surfaced Thursday when a hand crafted note made of newspaper advertisements was sent to the Minneapolis FBI, the note saying "Fire coach, or else". Both the newspaper ads and the note itself were traced back to a Mankato location, where it was discovered that it was simply a prank by a disgruntled former employee of Taylor Corp, who's owner--Glen Taylor--also owns the Timberwolves franchise.

"We half expected that", said McGruder, "we actually expected many more fakes, but the apathy about this case is nothing short of remarkable."

Meanwhile, the Timberwolves front office and coaching staff continues to prepare the existing team like nothing has happened. "Honestly, given the start of the season, there's not much difference between the team we lost and the one we have now", explained Kevin McHale, vice president of operations for the Timberwolves. "Of course, we hope to find the lads, but until then, we've got to fight through this with the players we've been given."

The game is 6:30 pm tonight, Central Daylight Time, at the IZOD Center in New Jersey.

Team of Minnesota Imposters Post Same Result

(Photo by Fernando Medina/NBAE via Getty Images)

If Useless Press reports are to believed, a group of Minnesota Timberwolves imposters went out and lost against the Orlando Magic Wednesday, 100-89. After carefully inspecting the evidence, this observer could find no difference between the missing roster and the one that showed up last night. The player masquerading as Kevin Love has a nice game with 16 points and 12 rebounds, a +4 for the night. In fact, he and the faux Al Jefferson were the only players playing significant minutes that were in the plus category. Fake Al had 19 points, with 8 rebounds, good for a +6.

Regardless of the real or fake opposition, despite having three players in their rotation out due to injury (Jameer Nelson, Keith Bogans, Michael Pietrus), the Magic showed superior athleticism and ability the entire evening. Point guard Courtney Lee, a rookie out of Western Kentucky, had 19 points off the Orlando bench, and could not be stopped by any of the Wolves guards. It's regrettable that if one were to have replaced this motley Minnesota bunch, they could not find anyone who could play the perimeter better than the originals. In fact, the entire Minnesota defense once again was horrible, allowing the Magic to shoot nearly 57% for the evening. Dwight Howard, Hedo Turkoglu, and Rashard Lewis all did their normal damage against the Wolves, Minnesota had no answer for any of them.

Unfortunately, our television broadcasters were all too real. Bright, shiny and optimistic, Jim Petersen and Tom Hanneman continued to put whatever lipstick they could on this animal. When the Mike Miller impersonator went down with an ankle injury, then came back in the third quarter, it was as if Willis Reed had once again graced Madison Square Garden in the 1970 NBA finals, coming back to inspire his team to victory. Unfortunately, reality bit down hard, as Orlando put the game away that quarter with a 26-12 advantage. I think it was at least two or three times Hanneman mentioned what a quality addition Miller has been to the Wolves roster. Petersen was also at his political spin best, especially when comparing the two franchises, since they came into the NBA together in the late 80's. "It's the luck of the draft", opined Petersen, obviously meaning the ability to have drafted O'Neal and Howard with the overall first pick in their respective drafts, along with Penny Hardaway, who was a third pick by Golden State, then traded to the Magic for the rights for Chris Webber. He forgets however, that we have had potential game changers available to us in at least two of the last four drafts, and we have failed to obtain them, or in Brandon Roy's case, hold on to them. Is that luck or incompetence?

All that being said, according to reports, the search is still on for our missing team. I will keep you updated on the search as time allows...

Breaking News: NBA Coach Loses Entire Team

Randy Wittman
DAVID MAXWELL/Getty Images

(December 2, 2008, Orlando, FL - Useless Press Incorporated)

For the first time in modern sports history, a professional basketball coach has lost his entire team. Head Coach Randy Wittman of the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves, reported to Orlando police Tuesday afternoon that his entire team was no longer at Amway Arena, where they were going through a light practice before Wednesday's game with the Magic. 30 minutes after reporting the team missing, Wittman told a quickly assembled group of reporters that he was talking intensely about their 100-90 loss Monday night to the Charlotte Bobcats, turned his head briefly as a result of a loud bang heard in the foyer area, then found that his entire contingent of players were gone.

"I looked around in the lower section and locker rooms, thinking they were playing a joke on me", said an incredulous Wittman. "But, I couldn't find them anywhere. My assistants didn't see a thing, either. I'm simply flabbergasted."

Kevin McHale, Vice President of the Timberwolves who had been accompanying the team on this current road trip, petitioned to the league for cancellation of Wednesday's game, but the NBA executive board turned him down, offering instead to assemble a D-League roster and get them to Florida in time for the game. "They told me three of them look a lot like Big Al, Mike Miller and Randy Foye", explained McHale. "They mentioned that given our 4-12 start, they actually might be doing us a favor. I still think, if we can't find our original team, we should be able to win 30-35 games with whatever we're given."

Immediate steps were taken to perform a nationwide search for the Timberwolves roster. Anthony LaPaglia, star of the CBS series "Without a Trace", has been hired by the league to make two 60 second commercials pleading for the safe return of the roster. The 2008-2009 team photo has been given to milk producers all across the country to put on their cartons, in hope of generating some leads, as well as an 800 number being made available for citizens to call.

"This is a tragedy for sure", continued McHale. "As much as I am a huge fan of Randy's, no coach should lose an entire team like this. I just hope we find them in time to save the season, if not their careers."

If you have seen any of these players, or have information leading to the whereabouts of the Timberwolves roster, please call 1-800-Who-Left.

Back to the Dismal Future

As I watched the latest Wolves debacle--a 100-90 loss to Charlotte--I pinched myself. Many times. Mind you, I'm generally not into that sort of thing--pain really isn't pleasurable, if you get my drift--but as I listen to the broadcast, then compare it to what I'm watching, there's something alternative going on. Not cool, sensitive, or edgy alternative; it's like my HDTV has become a flux capacitor, and I'm Doc Brown, being transported back to the expansion years...

Was it last night that I heard that someone thought Randy Foye and Mike Miller were supposed to be options 2 and 3 for Al Jefferson, and that part of the problem this season is that they haven't quite fulfilled those roles? Seems to me outside of Miller's poor performance vs. Denver, those guys are playing well of late, at least on offense. Al was the problem last night, as well as the fact that as a team, they can't play any defense.

Was it last night that I heard about how down the team was regarding Corey Brewer, and how that could be affecting their performance? I simply have to wonder about what led to the other 11 losses, and the emotional stability of well paid professionals who know injury is a part of the game, especially when it happens to a six or seventh man coming off the bench. Yes, it is a shame about Brewer, who was starting to improve, but the team was losing with him, as well as without him.

Was it last night that I heard about Kevin Love already hitting all these "mini-walls", and how rookies--except for the special ones--need at least a year to adjust to the professional game. Seems to me at one time Love was labeled "special", someone who wildly succeeded at every other level--grade school, high school, college, etc.--and that we traded our 3rd pick in part because Love knew how to play at this level? After watching PG DJ Augustin play pretty well against our club last night, as well as other rookies such as Brook Lopez, Jason Thompson, and Derrick Rose make major contributions for their teams, it makes me wonder if this isn't making another excuse for yet another under developing or over valued Wolves draft choice. I don't necessarily disagree about the whole rookie wall thing, but it usually happens later in the season...way later. We haven't been through a quarter of the season yet!

In this alternate, quasi-expansion universe I'm sucked into when watching a Wolves broadcast, this team is a bunch of up and comers, where there are a number of legitimate reasons why they aren't competing and winning at a higher level. With this team, there's always an excuse around the corner. One day it will all be better, we're told. Just like the expansion years, except no Kevin Harlan, or Trent Tucker.

Of course back in the present, my alternative explanation is they're a bad team. Poorly assembled, coached, and marketed to a dwindling fan base weary of the same old BS.

Could it be that simple?

Obama Repeats Call for College Football Playoff Series, Repudiates Use Of The Term "Lead Guard" In NBA Blogs.

Win McNamee/Getty Images

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 1, 2008 - Chicago, IL)

In a wide-ranging interview with reporters from three local Chicago television stations, President-elect Barack Obama once again displayed his deep passion for sports related issues, renewing his call recently mentioned on "60 Minutes" for a college football playoff championship series. In the 42 minute, 38 second interview, he also discussed a number of other sports related topics pertaining to the NBA, blogs, and second chances for Michael Vick and Stephon Marbury.

"If we didn't have one minute to waste with all the other profound economic, social, and military challenges left to me by my predecessor", said Obama, "I would be much more vigorous in my advocacy of a college football playoff series. I'm a huge fan of college basketball's March Madness, and I think you certainly could find a way for football teams to playoff for the championship, as opposed to what we have today. There's a chance, for example, for an undefeated team--Ball State--to have to play an also ran Big Ten school--probably Minnesota--in the Motor City Bowl. Although they would be underdogs in playing anyone better, say a USC or Texas Tech, or even Northwestern, the fact they are undefeated should allow them to compete in a playoff system, to see just how far they could go."

When asked about the outsourcing of news--particularly sports journalism--to unpaid bloggers, Obama replied "it's a sad day for everyone who loves sports that we can't find an economic model to support these great writers who have spent years honing their craft. However, with change comes great opportunity, and I find some of these blogs very entertaining, if not informative. I would simply say to these enterprising folks, that if they want to be more respected, they should use proper terminology. For example, in a bunch of NBA related blogs I've seen the use of the term "lead guard" in describing NBA point guards. Now, "lead guard" is a term more suited to high school, college or even YMCA league basketball. It has no place in the NBA vernacular. To think a "2" guard, for example, could be a "lead guard" on a NBA professional team, well, maybe they should be writing about European basketball instead. The proper terminology for a NBA point guard is either point guard or combo guard."

Obama ended the interview with a sincere hope that Vick--former quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, arrested on dog fighting charges--and Marbury--petulant point guard for a number of NBA teams--would be able to rejoin society in a meaningful way. "Michael's situation is much more serious than Stephon's naturally, and, while it is entirely true that their own actions have caused much pain and sorrow to themselves and people around them, if they are willing to be truly repentant, or in Stephon's case play in Italy, then I think part of the change that I'm talking about for us all is the ability to forgive, and not be so angry. As you can see, I have forgiven Hillary--and Bill--for all the nasty things they did and said to me on the campaign trail. As a result, I have a place for her in my cabinet. We should all be ready to move on, when the time is right."