BREAKING NEWS:T-Wolves Players Found in North Oaks, MN

Randy Foye, Ryan Gomes smiling upon return to team
Copyright 2009 NBAE (Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images)

(Useless Press Incorporated, Minneapolis, MN - January 8, 2009)

In a stunning reversal of fortune, the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves announced Thursday the entire return of their team. In a joint press conference held with regional FBI agent-in-charge James McGruder, it was revealed that the team was found in servant's quarters on the property of Kevin McHale's North Oaks, Minnesota residence. "Apparently, the entire team left Europe incognito during the Christmas holiday after contacting a number of their agents and discovering that many athletes who signed Euroleague contacts are having a hard time getting paid", McGruder commented. "We received an anonymous tip from a community resident on Tuesday complaining about too much 'Lil Wayne being played at all hours of the night."

Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor and Head Coach Kevin McHale simply expressed joy and gratitude over the team's return. "It's a shame that we lost a coach and demoted another employee over this incident, but it's a credit to our organization that we were able to continue to hold games and partially fill our arena", said Taylor, wiping tears from his eyes. "I share Glen's sentiment, and will respectfully let the players discuss their own rationale for leaving when the time is right", offered McHale. "Obviously, since they were "found" on my property, there's more to the story than what's known at this time. Since I now have to talk to many of you almost on a daily basis as a result of my coaching assignment, I'm going to let someone else do the explaining to you guys."

Reactions were swift nationwide, and from around the globe. In a statement released by his transition team, President-elect Obama said "I'm pleased that the real team was found and is, by all indications, unharmed. No owner, coach or fan base should have to deal with this kind of loss, no matter the circumstances. I would have liked it even more if they had lost to Chicago last week, and am looking forward to the Bulls returning the favor in Minnesota later this month on the 25th. Hopefully, this is a good sign for the year to come."

In the United Kingdom, London street musician organizer Paul Garthwaite was thankful that the situation had been successfully resolved. "We had this American blogger bloke here over Holiday bugging us to help him raise money in order to find the mates", he revealed. "Football [soccer] is our passion, we hate basketball--NBA, Euroleague or otherwise. Still, we're going to hold a day of musical celebration; all the musicians playing in the Underground tube stations are dedicating one day of music to the return of the Minnesota team."

More will be reported as facts become known.

Street musician Gavin (no last name) performing "Irresistable"
at the UK's Day of Music celebration for the Timberwolves