Miracle on 1st Avenue

I come bearing gifts today to the Wolves organization. It's been a tough year for the club, and I would guess the frustration level must be rising within the Target Center - 600 1st Avenue North. Thus, in my best Edmund Gwenn/Sebastian Cabot/Richard Attenborough mode, I offer presents that should bring cheer if not emotional relief to the team:

Al Jefferson - A gift of interior defense. You sir, are an offensive wunderkind. Match it on the defensive end and you will be a max contract player.
Sebastian Telfair - A gift of an consistent outside shot. You sir, have shown both growth and grit in the last few months. The ability to knock down a pull up 18 foot jumper consistently--especially in the fourth quarter--will separate you from players such as Jacque Vaughn and bring you the success your high school days promised.
Ryan Gomes - A gift of a handle. You sir, are the classic tweener. You possess shooting ability from three point range, as well as decent post-up skills. What you are NOT is a dribble penetrator. I haven't charted it out, but I would guess the majority of your turnovers come from trying to put the ball on the floor. My gift alleviates that problem, and allows you to progress into the upper echelon of NBA playerdom.
Rashad McCants - A gift of recognition. You sir, have told the press your intention to be a leader on this club. To date, I think that definition equates to jacking up as many shots as one can, and stunting any offensive ball movement. This has gotten you mostly a seat on the bench. To display true leadership you must understand you are NOT the offensive rhythm--and that making your teammates better will increase your opportunities to score, and to win. Since I had imagined you received this gift while winning an NCAA championship at North Carolina, consider this a licensed upgrade: Recognition 2.0.
Randy Foye - A gift of healing. This one's easy. I can't give you anything else until you can get on the court and show what you've learned from last year. Get better dude.
Craig Smith - A gift of a referee's love. You sir, have been a favorite of mine since your days at BC. I was considering giving the gift of a few inches of height, but that present would probably get you a league suspension. Since your domain is the painted area of the court, you absolutely need to get more calls from the refs.
Corey Brewer - A gift of increased muscle and bulk. You sir, also need a consistent outside shot, but unlike Mr. Telfair, you still have years and a option. This gift will not only help make you an upper echelon NBA player, but also differentiate you from Stacy Augmon and/or Keon Clark.
Antoine Walker - A gift of stability. You sir, have stability issues both organizationally and on the court. Watching you shoot from the arc without your feet set resembles watching mortar shots from the beach sequences of Saving Private Ryan and Flags of our Fathers. Organizationally, you have been handed off to different teams like the proverbial hot potato. From what I can see, your contribution here has been nothing short of a class act. Thank you. Hopefully, my gift will ensure your NBA employment into your mid-30's, if not longer.
Marko Jaric - A gift of discipline. You sir, have a reputation for the nightlife and are reportedly dating a super model. Thus I offer this gift on the basis of hearsay. This year, you have shown flashes of brilliance, but mostly your career here has been inconsistent and underwhelming, given your contract. Reject this gift at your own risk, but you do have some serious, needed skills to offer. I believe a little more discipline toward your craft might help smooth out those consistency issues. It certainly couldn't hurt.
Micheal Doleac - A gift of quickness. You sir, because of your size and ability to bang in the paint, probably will have a roster spot on an NBA club until your mid to late 30's. This gift will help your chances of consistently staying in a regular rotation.
Gerald Green - A gift of basketball IQ. You sir, have undeniable athletic ability. Your understanding of the small details of the professional game needs work, and threatens your continued employment. This club needs your offensive game, but not at the expense of everything else. This gift, taken seriously, might make you more than just the slam dunk champ. It might make you relevant.
Chris Richard - A gift of patience. You sir, have the talent and dedication to last in this league for at least a decade. Your time will come. Be patient, and learn well.
Mark Madsen - A gift of finishing. You sir, have the heart of a lion. Hands like one too. That's the problem.
Theo Ratliff - A gift of health. You sir, have only a couple of years left in your career. Either here or somewhere else where a playoff opportunity exists, this gift will help you exit on the court, and not on the inactive list.
Greg Buckner - A gift of leadership. You sir, I don't know well, but have shown the ability to play hard on defense and contribute on offense. This team needs your continued veteran leadership.

And for the front office and broadcasters:
Randy Wittman - A gift of professional luck. You sir, need better luck if you're going to have continued employment as an NBA head coach. Others might say you need skill, but that would be uncharitable this time of year, and given the two teams that have employed you, arguably unfair. Life unfortunately is not fair however, and your win-loss record is not impressive. Everyone can use a little luck now and then.
Wolves Assistant Coaches - A gift of a full year of employment. Sirs, let's hope your club has a better second half than the first. Ouch!!! I'm sure you'll land on your feet if the worst happens, but continued employment is always the gift that keeps on giving.
Jim Petersen - A gift of humility. You sir, have undeniable basketball analytical ability. However, I would not let you near a basketball personnel job, and your inability to admit error puts you in the same league with the Bush administration. Furthermore, as I have repeatedly said in the past, you have a penchant for prefacing your analysis with--and I'm paraphrasing here--statements like "what fans doesn't realize". Given the recent failures of this club to do anything meaningful and your whoppers, you need to cut the more critical of the Wolves fans some slack, and admit now and then when you've been mistaken. This gift will help you on the road to recovery.
Tom Hanneman - A gift of excitement. You sir, were the best sideline reporter and half-time host in the business. Now, along with your broadcast partner, you're mere shills for a poor product. Your idea of calling a game is coming up with corny catch phrases in a monotone which neither generates excitement or tension. You'll never be Kevin Harlan, but this gift might help you with your broadcasting dynamics.
Alan Horton & Billy McKinney - A gift of the Wolves television broadcasting assignment. You sirs deserve a chance to "see what they can do".
Fred Hoiberg - A gift of options. You sir, seem to be a stand-up fellow, and could get employment with many different basketball organizations. Why this one?
Rob Babcock - A gift of personnel evaluation ability. You sir, after your Raptor stint, seem to have the professional luck Coach Wittman lacks. Can anyone say Rafael Araujo?
Kevin McHale - A gift of absence. You sir, need to leave. Other NBA legends (Isiah Thomas, Willis Reed, Wes Unseld, Elgin Baylor, etc.) have failed to transfer their on-court basketball acumen to the front office. In this case, stubbornness is NOT a virtue. Your status as a Minnesota icon is secure; within a few years you'll be able to freely slap backs and call folks numb nuts in any venue of your choosing.
Glen Taylor - A gift of common sense. You sir, have admirable loyalty qualities, and have built wealth the majority of us can only dream about. I understand you have been able to combine those those two qualities successfully in your Mankato operations. The NBA seems to have a different ethos; and your competition is leaving you in the dust, or snow in this case. Can't you see that? If not, this gift will assist you in developing that vision.

I'm off to give real gifts to my family and friends. Given the bad weather and the resulting loss of life in the last few days, it's good to stop and remember what's truly important in life, because sometime it's all too fleeting. Happy holidays to everyone!!!