Love vs. Lopez vs. Mayo

There are some things people won't let go of. Norm Coleman isn't giving up the thought of being senator. President Bush's aides believe Americans will judge him favorably after, say, 100 years or so. Bill Maher hates religion and loves marijuana. Garrison Keillor will always be above-average.

For the Wolves and their so-called player development, up until one Kevin Love came to town, bloggers and fans were still spending a fair amount of time hating the draft day trade of a couple of years ago, when Brandon Roy was sent packing for one Randy Foye. That one has been a clear mismatch from the beginning; even after one year it was easy to proclaim that the Blazers got the better of the deal. As you know over the summer we had another such deal--this time with Memphis-- moving one OJ Mayo and a couple of bad contracts (Jaric, Walker) for Love, Mike Miller and one particularly bad contract (Brian Cardinal). For the record, Greg Buckner and Jason Collins were also swapped, but the main focus here was acquiring Love and Miller, as well as dumping those contracts.

Those that loved the trade--the good folks at Canis Hoopus, for example--called it highway robbery. One of their esteemed bloggers went so far to rather amazingly say he would have picked Love straight up with no strings attached. For that comment, he has a special place in the Kevin McHale/Jim Petersen personnel hall of fame. Those that disliked the Love pick--Patrick Reusse comes to mind--continue to rip the Wolves, and in one particularly premature column, Love himself. When OJ came to town last month in the Wolves first win against the Grizz, Reusse couldn't resist pining for young Mayo.

The deal has given Minnesota fans (what's left of them) a renewed sense of controversy and debate, as if the recent political campaigns weren't enough. Tuesday night, as the Wolves were winning their third straight--once again our Memphis trade partners were the victim, 94-87-- gave yet another opportunity to prove SOMEONE right or wrong.

It didn't happen.

Randy Foye was the star, playing clutch in the last few minutes of the game and for the night had 23 points. Mayo led his team with 20 points, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists; Love had a quiet game with 6 points and 7 rebounds. The reality is that both Minnesota and Memphis are still bad teams, and it's going to be hard to proclaim a winner unless one of these clubs breaks from the pack with either Love or Mayo helping to lead the unwashed out of the wilderness. Mayo is clearly the more skilled and advanced player right now, Love is the monster rebounder and decent passer who is struggling in every other aspect of his game. Until Memphis has a stronger front court, and can play a stronger "inside-out" game, the Grizz aren't going anywhere. Until the Wolves develop consistency with someone else other than Al Jefferson on offense, and can play at least better team defense, winning against mediocre to bad teams is the best they can hope for.

With the current winning streak, it certainly can be argued that this is the Minnesota team we expected coming out of the gate. The Wolves tempo, ball movement, and offensive execution are much better under the Iron Ranger than under Wittman. For the fans sake, this is a positive development. However, proponents of smallball or run and gun play have no sense of NBA history...whatsoever. Since Minnesota's bar is so low currently, smallball WILL be an improvement, if the talent is there. But not unlike a recent political controversy, it's a bridge leading to nowhere. Spending all this time, talent and effort just to taste a playoff slot is illogical, on the verge of dysfunctional. It represents a fan base so beaten down with failure, that ANY improvement is met with a gush of hope and optimism, facts be dammed.

Based on those conclusions, I say again-- although very prematurely--that right now the better pick for the Wolves last summer would have been Brook Lopez, not Mayo or Love. He's rebounding better than Love, and like Mayo, has been able to break into the starting lineup and continue the Nets transformation they started with the trading of Jason Kidd last year and Richard Jefferson over the summer. With Devin Harris at PG and Lopez at the five, you have youth, speed, and size to build upon--whatever they decide to do with the overrated Vince Carter.

That's a better balanced approach, from both a personnel and an on-court perspective.

New Year's Revolution

Yesterday was a tough day for winning NBA teams. Both the Wizards and Knicks beat the Cavs and Celtics respectively, and the Grizz did what the Wolves couldn't do, hold on in the second half and beat the Mavs. Now, since we beat both New York and Memphis, does that mean we're better than the Celtics and Mavs? Of course not. Following a similar line of logic, does the fact we've won two straight against bad teams represent a corner turned?

If you believe that, there's a job in Norm Coleman's Senate office waiting for you. As we keep hearing ad naseum from just about everyone in the NBA, it's a long season. The great teams aren't always going to be great, and the bad clubs...well, they HAVE to play other bad clubs sometime. To their credit, Minnesota beat bad teams missing at least one or more of their core players. For the Warriors, it was Monta Ellis and Corey Maggette. For the Bulls, it was Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, and Drew Gooden.

However, you just KNOW what will be spinning for the next couple of week from our favorite broadcast propagandists--Tom Hanneman and Jim Petersen. They'll be talking about all the naysayers who think the franchise is moribund and think Kevin McHale is an idiot. Petersen will in particular talk about how--based on his "inside" access--hard they work day after day, and just how good a teacher McHale really is. They'll talk about the energy and enthusiasm of the club now that they're believing in themselves again, confidence being everything. And, maybe as they did with Mike Miller during his recent injury outage, they'll spend a couple of second quarters talking about pheasant hunting and parenting. As was reported by the Useless Press a few weeks back, Roger Ailes of Fox News is looking for someone to go head to head with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC in the 8pm (Central Time) slot. Petersen, like every other conservative broadcaster alive in the world today, can never admit he's wrong, thus making him the perfect candidate for the position. I'm not sure he'd give up the Lynx assistant coaching gig for that job, but he should get an audition. He'd be perfect in that role.

Which leads me to my New Year's Revolution...maybe the first of many.

Exactly why are all NBA teams paying for television broadcasters?

Given the Wolves meager television ratings, it seems like money poured down a rabbit hole. Last summer, the Olympics had multiple basketball games simulcast, but only the lead game was broadcast by the NBC crew. All the other games had television feeds and real arena atmospherics, no talking heads at all. Simple inserts and pop-ups would give the audience stats, keep the score up-to-date, and should even allow analysis from the fans as well as an "expert", instead of those god-awful, softball, text messages Petersen and Hanneman field night after night (Example: Is Craig Smith too small to play power forward? Petersen: Great question!) It seems to me that in this digital, high definition age innovation should rule the day.

Think about it. A true interactive broadcast, with divergent points of view and little spin. Kind of like Britt's blog and Canis Hoopus, in hi-def. The mind boggles.

Vivacissimo Minnesota

Grandmaster Starbury in the TC House Friday

According to Wikipedia, "tempo (Italian for 'time, movement') is the speed or pace of a given piece. It is an extremely crucial element of composition, as it can affect the mood and difficulty of a piece." Friday night, the Wolves played at a Vivacissimo (very fast and lively) rate, out running Nellie's Warriors, 115-108. A video recap of the game can be found here.

The political spin has reached the player roster; according to the Associated Press, Randy Foye mentioned that “we’re just happy to get one game, no matter three out of the last five.” Well...okay, the club is playing a better brand of ball, and is showing that it can kind of keep it together against bad teams. Let's give "Coach" McHale kudos for that, straight up. They are--for the moment--taking teams they should beat. Two clubs they have recently vanquished--the Knicks and Warriors--play absolutely no defense whatsoever, but a win is win right? Especially at 7-25, the second worst record in the league, and after a humiliating, team worst collapse against a decent, but not great, Dallas team. Put in the same situation, I'd be telling whoever wanted to listen that the franchise glass is a quarter full as well.

Everyone played fast last night; the Wolves shot 90 times vs. 80 for the Warriors, so even though their FG percentage was worse than Golden State's, the fact they were able to hit three more baskets (41 vs. 38) and five more free throws (25 vs. 30) offset the Warriors slightly better percentage from behind the three point arc (7-20 vs. 3-13). Al Jefferson attacked the rim much quicker than usual and was very decisive against Andris Biedrins, who out of all Nellie's roster is probably their best interior defender and shot blocker. In 40 minutes of play, Al went a dominant 11-22, with an excellent 10 for 10 in free throws, for 32 points and 10 rebounds, a superb +14 for the night. Starters Ryan Gomes, Randy Foye and Kevin Love off the bench also had great support for the big guy, with 21, 17, and 19 points respectively. Foye, playing off guard, had 7 assists, while Gomes and Love helped Al clean the glass with 18 rebounds between them--10 for Ryan, and 8 for Kevin.

The Wolves also showed some defense in stretches...but not a lot. There's not any great individual defenders on this roster, but team defense is more about effort, and the club showed it was interested in playing both ways from time to time. Given the Warriors shot a respectable .475 for the game, it was the decision to up tempo the game, stop GS just enough and create more scoring opportunities that allowed the Wolves to finish out their "masterpiece" successfully.

With Chicago coming in tonight, where do we go from here? Unfortunately, the Wolves can't schedule a competition against one of the premier high school teams coming to play today before the NBA tilt; they are still in basketball purgatory, not good enough to beat winning teams, but now starting to show life against losing teams. The fan attendance--especially in this economy--is getting worse by the moment, especially against teams like the Warriors and Grizz. They have one player(Jefferson) who can consistently play huge on the offensive end; everyone else is kinda-sorta, depending on the team and matchups. Kevin Love plays big against smaller, weaker opponents, but plays terribly small against bigger, stronger players. Randy Foye can't run an offense, but from the two guard position, keeps the ball moving and has a decent assist total. Gomes--as always--shows flashes of energy, but when the game gets tense against teams that can ratchet up their defense, simply disappears.

And, incredibly enough, "Coach" McHale is starting a 35 year old journeyman at the point, for a little on-court leadership. How's that for developing a roster?

Actually, this seems to be all about face-saving rather than rebuilding. Eak out some wins, prove that you're not the worst team in the league, and demonstrate that there are at least a couple of players who can contribute to a roster. With a better managed cap and draft choices...we'll see what happens. Play up tempo, try and entertain the rubes, and we'll go from there.

Not a great orchestration for the future, on any scale.

I'm Punch Drunk, So Hold the Mayo...

Copyright 2008 NBAE (Photo by Tim Heitman/NBAE via Getty Images)

One of the saddest sights I've seen in sports history was when champion boxer Larry Holmes pummeled an aged, over the hill Muhammad Ali in the corner of the ring, pleading for the referee to stop the contest in Ali's very last fight. It was one of those situations where an athlete was way past his prime, but either needed the money or couldn't admit to himself that he no longer was the greatest. I kind of felt that way about "Coach" Kevin McHale last night against the Mavs, as they literally imploded in front of our eyes and blew a 29 point lead, losing 107-100. There was the Iron Ranger as the meltdown continued, windmilling his arms like a baseball third base coach waving a runner home, trying--as he put it in the post game press conference--to restore pace in their game, and get back, get back to where they once belonged.

Who said this guy could coach?

Kevin, it's over. Much like Senate Minority Leader Howard Baker in the 1970's, who had to lead a small contingent of Republicans to the White House and tell Richard Nixon he could no longer be President, someone in the Wolves organization needs to man up here and be the one to walk up to McHale and tell him to leave. This doesn't mean he's not a great basketball mind, or that he wasn't a great player, or that he's not a loving father, or a superior hunter, or tall, or funny, or walks with a limp, but this guy is not a coach of a rebuilding team that one day could be contenders.

The response from the in-denial Timberwolves organization of course is that last night was weird, one of those days. The team was on a back-to-back game, with an overtime victory last night against the Grizz. Without Brandon Roy, the Blazers beat the Celtics. On Lebron's birthday, the Cavs lost to the Heat. The Israelis and Hamas are still fighting in Gaza.

Whatever.

From not calling enough time outs when the levee started breaking, to not making the adjustment of getting Craig Smith--who couldn't guard the taller Nowitzki if his life depended on it-- out of the game, to not getting Kevin Ollie or anyone to put a body or clamp down on Jason Terry as he was torching the club, McHale simply doesn't look into the coaching thing at all. He looks tired, spent, lost. Kind of like Ali did.

Mr. Taylor, throw in the towel and stop the fight.

Now, a quick word or two about the Grizz win:

My jet lag wasn't kicking in as of then, so I bothered to watch the Grizz and Wolves duke it out in the first round of the 2008 NBA Draft Third Pick Superiority Bowl. The Wolves won it 108-98 in OT, with Big Al going for 38 points and 16 rebounds. The "real" story of course, is how OJ Mayo and Kevin Love did, given the draft day trade that swapped their franchise uniforms. Both did well, although Love's points (17, with 7 rebounds, and a +8 for the evening) were a bit of misnomer; Memphis had longer players guarding him (Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick), but no one bigger and stronger who could block his shot straight up, or prevent him from getting into position on the block. As we saw last night against the Mavs, guarded by folks like DeSagana Diop, Love was back to his poor shooting ways, not being able to hit the baby hook or shoot from the outside. Still, the fact that Love was able to hit outside shots and that pretty little jump hook repeatedly gave some insight into how the lug COULD play eventually. Mayo was also good (23 points, 3 rebounds, 4 assists); late in the fourth tried to take over the game with seven straight points, but in the overtime session no one from the Grizz could hit their deep three pointers consistently and Al was simply dominant, scoring 7 points in the extra frame.

Columnists, bloggers and fans have been taking up the OJ vs. Love theme ever since the trade. Patrick Reusse wrote about Mayo yesterday morning; he's clearly on record about who got the better of the deal. For most other folks, the worse the Wolves were and the more Love struggled resulted in posts about how many points Mayo scored on a given night, and how once again the Wolves screwed up a major draft choice. I maintain that this is a false premise; that this whole situation isn't solely about OJ vs. Mayo.

Truth be told, right now it isn't Mayo that would have had the biggest impact for us in the draft, it's...(drumroll please) New Jersey Net and Stanford center Brook Lopez! Monday, the broadcast comedy duo of Petersen and Hanneman made a big deal about how Love is leading the rookies in rebounding, but overall Lopez is tied with Love at 7.8 rebounds a game, and is also scoring nearly 10 points (47.1 FG%) and blocking 2 shots in around 28 minutes per contest. Considering how small the Wolves front line is, a 7 foot, 260 pound functional center along with Big Al would have given the club a solid front court to build from. Mayo's a scorer, but considering the real gems in the draft were considered to be Rose and/or Beasley, everyone else was a "wait and see" pick, even at number three.

Again, truth be told, I didn't think the lumbering Lopez would be a great pick at #3; Petersen actually blocked one of shots in his pre-draft visit here to Minny; that in my book was the kiss of death right there. I also didn't like the way he moved up and down the court. But I was clearly wrong, this guy--not Love, not Mayo--would have been the right choice to make stand alone at pick three, or in this case, trade down a few slots, pick up another draft choice or some cash, and get his services there. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

And In The End...

Parliament - London, England:

Well, that's it. Over a week in London, and not one confirmed Timberwolves sighting. You'd think a guy like Big Al or Mark Madsen would be conspicuous, but as I said earlier in the week, London is one of the most diverse places in the world. After talking to the authorities over here, helping me with my investigation was pretty far down their priority list. Go figure! One House of Commons member offered me his one free yearly psychological exam by British Health Services, although I didn't quite understand what he was getting at. I'm blaming that purely on cultural and language differences.

My very last hope was to consult an amateur Beatle expert, Richard--because of security purposes I can't reveal his last name--who took me on a walking Beatles tour to discuss my dilemma.

I reasoned since Paul McCartney died and was replaced back in the late 60's, besmirching Paul's good name by breaking up the Beatles and forming Wings in the 70's, he would be the perfect one to discuss my replacement investigation. Could there be a recording of a Timberwolf game I could play backwards that would give me hidden clues? Is Big Al left handed or right handed? Much like Barack Obama, which team member is trying to hide his cigarette obsession?

Sadly to say, he informed me that Paul did not actually die, that it was a huge joke on the part of the Beatles to have a bit of fun. Was he not such a good tour guide, and could show us the way back to our tube station, I would have hit him right then and there. I imagined it would be a lot like talking to Wolves broadcaster Jim Petersen, his sheer arrogance was staggering. Hadn't he listened to Helen Wheels or Silly Love Songs? In British parlance, I was simply gobsmacked!

Paul not dead...could it be I'm wrong about the Timberwolves as well? I guess there's something to ponder on my way back stateside. See you in a day or two.

Just Imagine

"Anything worth having in life takes faith, and when that faith happens it's a beautiful thing. At the end of the game, I said, 'Thank God,' and I meant it. We needed that one." - Kevin McHale, after beating the Knicks, 120-107.

Bury -St. Edmond, England -
Well, that's the thanks I get! After actually going to Christmas Services at Westminister Abbey,

and then walking around the ruins, ancient cathedral and cemetary at Bury,

praying for the Wolves' redemption, this is all the credit I receive. I mean, they had police with semi-automatic rifles guarding the Abbey, for Pete's sake! And, though I was particularly praying for guidance as to the whereabouts of our missing roster, I did throw in a plea for a win...I mean, it was the Knicks after all; it was no heavy lifting for the Creator of the Universe, the one who made heaven and earth and brought Mickey Rourke back from the dead to star in another major motion picture.

A win against the Magic tonight (or an Oscar for Mickey) is asking a whole lot more...but one can imagine...

Working Class Heroes

141 Brompton Road, England

Happy Boxing Day! What is Boxing Day, you ask? According to Wikipedia:

"Boxing Day is a public holiday in the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, New Zealand and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations with a mainly Christian population. It is based on the tradition of giving gifts to the less fortunate members of society. Contemporary Boxing Day in many countries is now a "shopping holiday" associated with after-Christmas sales."

Yesterday, I gave gifts to the Timberwolves, folks who would be considered upper class--economically speaking at least. Well, what of the rest of us? Hard working, talented, but not quite as well off in the bank account as the before mentioned organization members. In the tradition of boxing day, I'm opening the Christmas box and offering these presents to some basketball related people I've met or read in the last year:

Wyn Douglas and Nate Arch - the Canis Hoopus guys
Two of the finer fellows I've met in a while; I wrote for time with these guys, but given the type of season the Timberwolves were having, I thought my brand of cynicism and irreverance would not mix with their growing readership. My gift to them is a substantial SB Nation financial dividend. Great work, guys.

Myles Brown - Slam Online
I only met this bloke once, but have read a lot of his stuff over the last year. A very good writer who really, really, really, really wants and believes having insider access is the key to quality work. I disagree, but he's clearly an up and comer who will be heard from in basketball circles the next few years. My gift to him is the hope of unfettered access and unbridled success.

Sonia Grover - First Avenue and TWolves Blog
Both gorgeous and gracious, it seems EVERYONE likes her, even the grizzled StarTribune writers, who describe every other blogger as guys who live in their mother's basement and post in their underwear. She's also an up and comer, someone who's networking her way to the upper heights. My gift to her is an executive position with the Timberwolves--if she wants it, of course. She would literally bring a new grace to that old boys dominated organization.

Jerry Zgoda - Star Tribune
An honest writer working for a nearly extinct newspaper, and covering a moribund team. Not good on any count. My gift to you to is continued employment at a decent wage equal to your considerable skills.

Britt Robson - Secrets of the City/Minn Post
The gold standard in Timberwolves coverage, and over the years, a staunch defender and worshiper of one Kevin Garnett. Much like Mr. Zgoda, dudes with their talent shouldn't have to scrape by in a broken journalistic model. But like just about everything else in this economy, that new model has yet to be found in this digital transition to...something. I have two gifts for him; a ragingly successful Minn Post and Secrets of the City, as well as the title of KG's official biographer, when the time is right. There would be no other individual on earth who could articulate Garnett's life and times like Britt.

Well, that's it...I'm off to Cambridge to visit my nephew at an American Air Force base. Hopefully, everyone listed above loves their gifts, and the rest of us don't spend too much time in long lines returning presents they didn't like!

Happy Christmas

Knightsbridge, London -

As with most places, London pretty much shuts down for Christmas Day. We took the time yesterday to purchase food and drink, so we wouldn't have to try to find overpriced meals at the hotel restaurants that remain open for their customers. Thus over a little brie and homemade bread, with English tea and coffee, I unwrap my presents to the Timberwolves organization, some in abstentia, given the status of our missing roster.

Obviously, it's been another tough year for the club. A lot of dashed hopes, unrealized dreams and, in Randy Wittman's (if not Don Overbeck's) case, a lack of continued employment. With multi-year, multi-million contracts for NBA coaches, and a club membership that will keep him gainfully employed as an assistant coach, front office executive, or scout until he retires, weep not for Wittman...he'll be fine. It's the paying fans who have suffered the most this year, having seen extensive roster movement in the summer and the promise of more wins, only to see once again the front office being exposed as--I say this with all due respect and British reservation--less than adequate.

However, generosity of spirit and hope is part of the Christmas tradition. In that context, for the second year running, despite being overseas and ringing up impressive shipping charges, I offer these presents for some of the Timberwolves players (both fake and replacement) and staff:

Al Jefferson - Similar to last year, the gift of consistent defense. It will be what separates you from Zach Randolph of the Clippers.

Randy Foye - The gift of fourth quarter clutch play. Big Al needs a running mate...and Fourth Quarter Foye could use a reappearance.

Ryan Gomes - The gift of energy. Since signing that significant contract over the summer, I don't see you as much anymore. Co-incidence?

Mike Miller - The gift of aggression. This is a bad team. You're a good shooter, and a mid-westerner. This team goes for stretches on end without being able to score. Be a good fellow and step it up...when your ankle heals.

Kevin Ollie - The gift of leadership. I'm told young players listen to veterans once in awhile, and this is a role you'd like to play. Are any of these guys listening...at all?

Kevin Love - The gift of a made basket off an offensive rebound. If you reject this gift young man, your NBA career will be mediocre at best. The Timberwolves obviously fibbed when they told us you had a 35 inch vertical jump; you must show guile and skill around the rim. For essentially the third pick in the last draft, fans will expect no less from you.

Rashad McCants - The gift of another team's employment. You sir, having rejected last year's gift of recognition, need to leave and see if another club can stir your passion and stifle your conceit. Right now, you're not that good.

Sebastian Telfair - As with last year, the gift of a consistent, outside shot. If at first you don't succeed...

Jason Collins - The gift of regular rotation time. You didn't ask to come here, and it's obvious you won't stay when your contract is over. You'll rust if you don't see a little burn now and then.

Brian Cardinal - The gift of...well, what I can give a player who already has more than he should have? Carry on, good sir.

Mark Madsen - See Brian Cardinal. The most I could give otherwise is a spot with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Rodney Carney - See Jason Collins. I kind of like you, you just need a little smoothing around the edges. If not here...good luck to you sir.

Craig Smith - See Al Jefferson. Your offensive skills are great, your defense blows. You must play taller than you are and make people adjust to you.

Corey Brewer - As with Randy Foye last year, the gift of healing. You showed progress until you got hurt. Heal well young man, and we'll see you next year.

Calvin Booth - The gift of continued employment and space for another tattoo. What else is there to say?

Our coaching staff, front office and broadcast crews:

Kevin McHale - I give you the Rashad McCants gift of recognition. Your basketball knowledge is immense, but your organizational awareness is poor. It's over; much like the GM executives, you don't know when it's over. If you bow out with dignity, it won't be long until you'll be one of us again, and can back slap and quip with the guys.

Glen Taylor - The gift of silent partnership. Hire someone qualified to run the club and stay out of their way. Your franchise is at stake, good sir.

Jim Petersen and Tom Hanneman - Stalwart team players, I give you the gift of honesty. We're smarter than you think, and when it comes to team quality, we've had it right the last couple of years. There's only so much you can spin.

Alan Horton and Kevin Lynch - Best wishes to you both. You're lucky to be where you are.

Wolves Assistant Coaches - The gift of networking. I think by the end of the year you may need it.

Jim Stack, Rob Babcock and Fred Hoiberg - Until further notice, I guess you're it. I give to you the gift of infallibility. For once, I'd like to see someone know what they're doing in these positions. All these draft choices, so little talent and time...

Well that's it for now. Seriously, in these troubled times and new hope awaiting us, I wish everyone the happiest of holidays. Be good to each other.

Can't Buy Me Love

Piccadilly Circus - London

I ask you, if you were a missing NBA player with a huge multi-million guaranteed contract, time on your hands, and a sense of retail (or a daughter who's studying the fashion industry at a East Coast college) where might you go? Carnaby Street, of course! This Central London location--center of late 60's fashion--was packed full of traffic and full of last minute shopping. According to BBC reports, retail is down by double digits in London; as a result, even though profits are off, shopkeepers are being forced to match sale pricing by other stores, just to keep market share. This is fabulous if you have cash, not so good if your business has to continue to cut prices at the same time you're losing money.

Carnaby is a small street, but folks come here by the droves, to hang, eat and shop.

There were a lot of empty seats at this indoor complex, but the weather has been remarkably mild the last week here in London Town, so a lot of people stayed outside in other cafes. Minnesotans would be proud. There were no signs of our players, as the replacements lost again in San Antonio 99-93. Since Christmas is coming upon us, I'm going to pray for heavenly guidance, as to where I might search next...

P.S. - Following my new tradition, tomorrow will also be my day for gift giving to the entire Timberwolves organization!

Here, There, and Everywhere

London -

We've had quite the few days searching for the lost Timberwolves. We've looked at the Tower of London:

at Camden Market, interrogating the locals:

even at taverns, where young comics dressed up in horrible movie costumes--in this case Stallone's Judge Dredd--were working in their upper room for free.

add to that the before-mentioned Speakers Corner at Hyde Park, and we've nibbled around the edges, following every lead, turning over every cobblestone. We've searched here and there but not quite everywhere.

Nada.

I'm beginning to think these players don't want to be found. In a city as diverse as London Town, they could blend in anywhere. Hope is giving away to resignation, that the players we have now might well be the ones we have for the rest of the season. Just think, the rest of the NBA, locked in a battle with the Thunder, Wizards, and Clippers among others, battling for the worst record in the league, to gain yet another high draft choice, with Coach McHale, Jim Stack and Rob Babcock all waiting to make another scintillating pick in the hopes of rebuilding the franchise...

Okay, okay, I'll keep looking!

For the Benefit of Mr. Jones

Hyde Park, London -

Remember Sweetwater Jones? I found his ghost yesterday in this gentleman, over at Speakers Corner in Hyde Park. He was talking about the evils of the working world, how we have sold our freedom and souls to the slavery of employment. I tried my best to get him to say "Sensational!", but he looked at me rather curiously, like I was raving mad.

Now, that could be true.

It was a thin day at the Corner, Mr. Jones being the only one to step and offer an oratory about the world and what was wrong or right about it. It's a popular Sunday morning tradition for this area to hold an impressive number of folks who hoist themselves up on a platform (that being the rule) and declare their opinions to the surrounding audience. Actors, comedians, philosophers...I'm told a whole variety of people stand up and get their proclamations on. This is holiday over in England of course, and so Mr. Jones was the solo attraction. These few words are offered for his benefit. Well done, sir.

Helter Skelter Ramblings

Telfair?

London, England -

I thought I had two possible Timberwolves sightings near the Tower of London on Saturday, but I couldn't get close enough to verify any of my suspicions. One was jogging by the River Thames at a fast pace, in a blue uniform, resembling a Euroleague or soccer player with the number "2" on his back, the other a standing guard near the Crown Jewels . We are headed to Hyde Park today, in hopes of gathering more information.

The Brits are very educated about the goings on in America, sometimes even more than we Americans are. I've heard jokes about Sarah Palin and Watergate, and a general relief regarding the transition that will occur in January. Like many of the liberals in America, they quite can't understand the whole Rick Warren invocation thing, but are so happy that Bush is leaving, they are more than willing to give Obama the benefit of the doubt.

As I mentioned in my last post, only the tip of the economic iceberg is believed to be melting down here. Folks are starting to outright lose jobs, getting pay cuts, or taking days off without pay to save their companies. There are so many tourists here however, that everything seems normal. Harrod's is bustling, there are hoards of people in shops and restaurants, and the nightlife here is impressive. And, even in 40 degree weather, people will sit outside to drink, smoke and eat. Mass transit in this town is simply remarkable.

Meanwhile, it looks as if the replacements lost again to the Rockets, 109-102. Fake Al tried his best with 34 points and 13 rebounds, but in the end, it looks like the Wolves lack of perimeter defense did them in. And, Mike Miller gets his ankle dinged again. Much like our economy, all the years of poor decisions, lax oversight, and arrogant behavior have caught up with this franchise. Even with the "genius" of McHale coaching, this team is totally exposed, hope is being decimated with each loss. That reality makes me more determined to find our real players and bring them home. Our fans, our state deserve much better than what we're getting now...

Nowhere, Man

London, England -

The first day here in London has gone by without major incident, and no progress to report on the status of the missing Timberwolves. We were simply trying to get heat in our rented flat upon our arrival, and considering the effects of black mold exposure during our 10 day investigation.

The UK economy sucks--a major funiture manufacturer just announced the closure of all their stores and the loss of 1400 jobs--but there is a stoicism in the Brits that I've met, and a bustling, energized community ready to celebrate Christmas. They've seen bad times before, and are dealing with it.

Only a few folks here have heard about the Timberwolves plight; they know about the NBA, and how bad the team is, and that KG got traded away. In fact, other people didn't know KG ever played for the Wolves; only remembering he's playing for the "fake" Boston. Apparently, original 13 colony humor is prevalent in the UK. That and room temperature ale.

My daughter has quite an investigative itinerary planned in search of the boys, so I"m hopeful we can come up with something. Meanwhile the currently plummeting replacement club plays back in Minnesota against the Rockets. Houston's on the end of a back to back, having decisively beaten Sacramento (who pummeled us) last night, 107-96. Yao Ming ought to take our small ball front court and rip it to shreds, not to mention Tracy McGrady getting any shot he wants against our porous perimeter defense.

The Wolves are going nowhere, man.

London Calling

I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Seeing no progress as to the whereabouts of our missing Wolves roster, I am following whatever leads there are and heading to London, England, to search for the missing club. According to reports, there have been at least three sightings of different Wolves players at GB Euroleague games; I can't judge the accuracy of these reports, but frankly I can't make any worse progress than what already has--or hasn't-- been made.

The only thing I'm afraid of is after the pasting the replacements received last night at the hands of Cleveland, some of the replacements will be following me.

I'll try to provide updates of the search if possible...

Kevin McHale, All-American

Text of Kevin McHale's halftime locker room speech last night in Sacramento (adapted from KNUTE ROCKNE- ALL AMERICAN (1940) http://archives.nd.edu/rockne/speech.html):

"Well, boys ... I haven't a thing to say. You're playing a great game...all of you. Great game...at least offensively."

[He tries to smile, knowing the Kings shot well over 60 percent in the second quarter]

"I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all."

[McHale pauses and says quietly]

"I'm going to tell you something you've known for years...most of you know I like to Quip. It started long before your time, back in my Timberwolves broadcasting career. It's become a tradition here in Minnesota...I thought you boys could use cheering up."

[There is a gentle, faraway look in his eyes as he recalls his last smile and quip...the beginning of the 3rd quarter of the Denver game]

"And the last advice I'll give tonight: boys, this half, when you'll be up against it -- and the [fast]breaks are beating you and Foye, you just go out there, with all you got and win just one for me, the Quipper..."

[McHale's eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.]

"I don't know what state I'll be in, Wolves", he said, "but I'll know about it - and I'll be happy."

There is a hushed stillness as McHale and the crowd of players look at each other. In the midst of this tense silence, McHale quietly says "Alright," to the men beside him, and he limps slowly out of the dressing room.

PLAYER # 12--tonight, being played by Kevin Ollie:

"Well, what are we waiting for?"

[With a single roar, the players throw off their blankets and rush through the doorway...]

The Wolves go on to lose the game in a lackluster, passion-less game 118-103 to the Kings. They can't finish fast breaks, they can't stop anybody defensively, and--despite that dramatic plea from their head coach--they give an awful effort in the embarrassing loss.

After scoring 22 in the first half, Al Jefferson barely touches the ball in the second half. McCants does his usual "score when we're far behind" trick, finishing with 21 points in the game. Talk about lack of identity: the first half they're setting up Al in the low block, the second they ignore him and run up and down the court like a bunch of middle schoolers. However, middle schoolers are taught by coaches to stop dribble penetration at the perimeter. Randy Foye is hopelessly lost against middle to upper tier point guards.

The Wolves are wiping the smile right off of McHale's face. So much for great talent and genius coaching. All that's left is to someday, somehow, win one for the Quipper.

Futility, Inc.

Feeling good about that new coach yet? Does anyone not in denial believe we have a chance to get substantially better this season? Since the Iron Ranger was reinstated as coach we have lost four straight against good teams, the latest being the Lakers 98-86 somnambulant victory over the Wolves. The Lakers played mediocre, disinterested basketball the entire game, shooting under 45%, getting outrebounded (16-9 on the offensive end), made one less free throw and hit less from the arc than the Minnesota club, yet found a way to win by 12.

Why?

Try shooting 36% percent from the floor, and committing 17 turnovers, mostly in the first half. Even when the Wolves tightened their act up in the second half turnover-wise and moved the ball around--especially in the third quarter--one never had the sense that the Lakers felt any sort of urgency to respond...until they did in the fourth.

Okay, you can say it's the Lakers, with talent and veteran leadership to spare. But it's also the story with the Jazz, Nuggets, and Spurs. They all took Minnesota's best shot, then kicked in another gear when they had to and won those games, just like in those expansion years we're "celebrating" in this our 20th anniversary. When they play tonight against the Kings, will the Wolves respond to a team who is closer to them in talent and experience, or will they continue to make excuses, as McHale did again last night about them not being in shape to run his desired tempo?

Yeah, right.

The problem isn't tempo, it's defense and finishing. Game after game, we hear about how Love and Jefferson are such dynamic rebounders, but I ask you, what good is rebounding if you can't make a basket? This is especially true with Kevin Love, who is being pounded down our throats by our television broadcasting crew. Here's the deal; Love may be serviceable to pretty good one day, but he has to do three things:

1) Find different and creative angles to score in the low post after an offensive rebound. Kicking it out to an open player helps as well, but given the scrums down low, if he can't put it back up for a basket after grabbing an initial carom, then all you're doing is padding stats, and giving Jim Petersen a good orgasmic stroking. If he can convert a higher percentage of his rebounds directly to points or assists, he could be better than good.

2) Hit a mid-range shot. Love showed good range in college, but has been terribly inconsistent to date in the pros. The majority of college ballers usually take a year or so to adjust their shooting skills to the pro game; as a result, it's not surprising that Love is struggling. But part of this whole undersized front court Al-can-play-with-Kevin sort of thing was based on Love's ability to play the high post, make the mid-range basket, draw out the defense, and use his passing skills to help distribute the ball. That hasn't happened yet, especially when McHale is stubbornly trying to justify his selections of other mediocre draft choices like Craig Smith and Rashad McCants.

3) Play some damn defense. He's shown some aptitude, but unless both Love and Jefferson commit to an urgent, consistent two-way style of play, this undersized concept of McHale's simply won't work. I'm on record as saying it won't work anyway, but these guys do have some talent, it's just not consistently at both ends of the court.

The essential problem with this team is that McHale's primary focus seems to be proving to the rest of the world his roster can play at a higher level. That means trying to rehabilitate folks like McCants, Smith, and Foye. Love is essentially behind two pecking orders; one is the normal rookie-has-to-justify-his-spot process, but the second is the-coach-has-to-demonstrate-he-picked-the-right-players-or-he-loses-his-job siutation. That's a recipe for futility, because as we've seen against the good to great teams all year long, both the coaching and talent level isn't up to snuff.

We'll have another indication tonight, on the road against the Kings.

Stockholm to Minnesota?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 12, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

A University of Minnesota professor has announced his findings regarding why Minnesota Timberwolves basketball fans are not more incensed over the retention of Kevin McHale anywhere in the NBA organization.

Dr. Irving Nevrgotany, a renowned sociologist, had been conducting a five year long study on sporting fans relationship to their teams. He said it's pretty clear why a core group of fans, bloggers and press are willing to give McHale another break.

"It's a variation of the classic Stockholm Syndrome, where people held hostage start to become loyal to their captors", explained Dr. Nevrgotany. "This situation is different of course, being there's no real abduction, but the mere fact that [Owner] Glen Taylor refused for years to make the core changes to the Timberwolves necessary to relieve the fans' frustration, in effect he was holding these fans hostage. They are beaten down, psychologically exhausted from the negativity surrounding the franchise. When the change to McHale came, even though in the end it might prove to be one more useless move, it was enough for many fans, bloggers and press to rally around the franchise. They can't withstand any more negativity, especially during these bad economic times, and of course, the holiday season."

This variation of Stockholm Syndrome is so distinct, says Nevrgotany, that he has given it another name. "I'm calling this Mankato Madness", proclamined Nevrgotany, "after Glen Taylor's home base of operations. In this case, the name seems very appropriate."

The Wolves play San Antonio tonight, 7 pm, at Target Center.

Who's the Clown?

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 11, 2008, Denver, CO)

Newly installed Timberwolves head coach Kevin McHale announced after Wednesday's loss to Denver (116-105) that "Rimshot" Davis, a local Minnesota stand-up comedian and comedy writer, will be joining the team as Comedy Coordinator. "I think everyone can see after two games, that I'm not much of an X's and O's type of guy", commented McHale, when asked about the hiring. "I mean, not having a decent out of bounds play at the end of the Utah game, and last night when Carmelo [Anthony] went off for 33 against us, geez, I went into a zone to make Anthony shoot over the stop instead of a double team to try and get the ball out of his hands and make someone else beat us. In baseball terms, that would be a swing and a miss on my part. Realistically, even though I still have the highest winning percentage in Timberwolves history, I have only coached 33 games, so there's a lot to learn here. My humor and letting the guys have fun are the primary tools I have to help the replacements here, and maybe, just maybe if the real roster is watching, we get them back home. Rimshot's a funny guy, he also went to the U [University of Minnesota] back in the day, so I think I'll be able to trust him."

Davis, when reached by phone, said while this is the most unique situation he's been in, the money's good, and he has a plan. "Comedy is hard work and timing, much like basketball", he said. "It's knowing the particular audience you're trying to affect, and then when to say something. Using a line on an older referee, or Violet Palmer (the only female referee in the NBA), will be much different than saying something to a bunch of young players. We'll bring in content from the last 40 or so years, index it, do a little pre-game prep--call it a "laugh-a-round"--and then rely on Kevin's sense of delivery and timing to make it work. He's a true natural at this."

Glen Taylor, owner of the Timberwolves franchise, remains skeptical, but is willing to go along with the experiment for now. "As a rule, Republicans aren't very funny", said Taylor. "I mean, there was Bob Hope, and now Drew Carey, Dennis Miller, and maybe even Pat Sajak who's had some success, but on the whole, people laugh at us than with us, if you know what I mean. Where we generally get the last laugh is when we own the companies the real comedians work for. That always sobers them up. However, Rimshot's done a lot of private holiday parties for my other businesses, and he assures me that he can give Kevin all the material he needs to keep everyone loose. I hope the fans will recognize that we're pulling out all the stops to make our brand of basketball fun again. And, we want our real team to come home."

Davis will begin work immediately, in preparation for Friday's game with the San Antonio Spurs at Target Center, 7 pm.

Media News: Fox News President Roger Ailes, Jim Petersen Discuss National On-Air Role; Britt Robson to Write Advice Column

Roger Ailes, Fox News President

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 10, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Jim Petersen may be fair and balanced after all. Reports out of Minneapolis have Roger Ailes, Fox News President, and Minnesota Timberwolves television broadcaster (and Lynx assistant coach) Petersen in discussions to join Fox News as a political/sports commentator. Rumors of the discussions have been going on for weeks, according to sources, but have heated up after Ailes watched a live broadcast of the Minnesota Timberwolves loss to the Utah Jazz, 99-96.

The source, who requested anonymity, said Ailes caught the broadcast while channel surfing for MSNBC's Countdown. "He was stunned by Petersen's ability to take minor facts and make them important", said the source. "Roger almost fell off his chair when he heard how Petersen praised Kevin McHale's [newly installed Timberwolves Head Coach] winning percentage, even though he had only coached 31 games. He flat out stated that if Petersen had been hired to talk about Sarah Palin's [Republican Vice Presidential Candidate] foreign policy experience, the election would have turned out differently. The mention from Jim's sidekick [Wolves play-by-play announcer Tom Hanneman] about Petersen being fair and balanced lit the bulb in his head. Ailes immediately called Karl Rove and promised he would send a copy of the broadcast to him. Roger really wants this guy."

Petersen could not be reached for comment, but given his political leanings, according to the source, Fox News would be a perfect fit. "Kind of like Minnesota Gov. Pawlenty for the 2012 Presidential election, this guy is an up and comer."

--Robson to Give Sports Advice--

In an Useless Press exclusive, it will be announced today that the online news source MinnPost will begin a sports advice column written by Britt Robson, MinnPost content provider and long time Minnesota Timberwolves reporter (City Pages, The Rake, Secrets of the City). This after recent comments to a popular blogger on his "On the Ball" blog regarding negativity toward the Minnesota Timberwolves NBA basketball franchise.

In a response to the blogger Robson wrote: "Demanding the pound of flesh that will never be exacted is a self-destructive attitude."

"When I saw Britt's reply", said Joel Kramer, Editor and CEO of MinnPost, "I knew he would be the perfect person to write this column and start changing the tone of sports blogging around here. It was like he was that blogger's father, or psychologist at least. I mean, Britt has no formal training, probably knows little about the blogger's background, whether he's a stable, intelligent family man who runs a very successful blog of his own, or just a raving lunatic, but the empathy Britt showed in that response was remarkable. We here at MinnPost are always looking at expanding our content. I think telling people how they should feel about a subject--regardless of how well they state their frustration or argument--is the perfect avenue to head down. It will make the journalistic community feel like elitists again."

No details will be given today on when the column will start, but according to sources, it is slated to start the first quarter of 2009.

Pleas for Progress, Patience and Prayers

NBAE/Getty Images

(Useless Press Incorporated, December 9, 2008, Minneapolis, MN)

Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor and newly installed Head Coach Kevin McHale made an impassioned plea to the world community as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves team. "Look, I know Randy yelled a lot, but at the time we told him our young players needed tough love. He was the bad cop, now Kevin will be the good cop", Taylor said at a press conference announcing the firing of Randy Wittman, and the new coaching assignment for McHale. "No matter the circumstances, we're praying for the roster's safe return."

McHale looking ashen and forlorn, basically agreed with Taylor's sentiments. "Look, I love basketball, so even with replacements, if it gives me an excuse not to travel to the in-laws during holiday season, I'm there. The fact is though, I want to be successful with our real team, the kids and players I brought here. I want to show every last one of you [the press] just how good I am as personnel evaluator and a coach. So, I say to any of my guys out there, for whatever reason you've left...please, come home."

Taylor, when asked if he really wanted the team back, given the potential of a government subsidy via the Athletes in Absentia act if the real players remain missing, scoffed at the suggestion. "That's ridiculous, we have no guarantee that we qualify for such funding anyway", reasoned Taylor. "Our fans deserve the very best, that's why we want our players back, and that's why I decided to make a change at this point to make Kevin our head coach. I'm not driving people away to sell the team, or any absurd notion like that."

Fake Al Jefferson, attending the meeting, said no matter the circumstances, he'll play hard for the new coach. "It's too bad we couldn't save Randy, and it's terrible the team has gone through the wringer the last week, but we'll play for the new dude, no doubt", said the faux Jefferson. "Playing the NBA has been a dream of mine, so maybe if the players one day do come back, maybe I'll still have a job."

Timberwolves televison commentator--and Lynx assistant coach--Jim Petersen fought back tears when he said the franchise was at a crossroads. "This situation has been so difficult, I'm proud of what Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale have done today. How many people could both address the short term and the long term issues this team has with one front office shift and press conference? These guys are so amazing, I'm proud to be working with them in any capacity. I only hope that if I ever get the opportunity to head coach or run a team, I can do it with the class of either of these two individuals."

Updates were scarce regarding the disapperance case itself, according to James McGruder, regional FBI agent-in-charge. "We continue to work all the leads, the cooperation we're getting from the Timberwolves franchise has been nothing short of fantastic. This is my first sports related press conference...I could get use to this", McGruder commented.

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of the real Timberwolves roster can still call the established 800 number: 1-800-Who-Left.